emotional abuse – Author NyRee Ausler

When I became a teen mom, I was judged by everyone around me. People thought my life had been ruined by my own actions. Others guessed that I was headed down a long road filled with disappointments and dead ends. That’s where my perfectionism anxiety first started.

Professor and Writer Brené Brown once said, “When perfectionism is driving, shame is always riding shotgun, and fear is the annoying backseat driver.” People who strive to be perfect in everything they do usually come from a place of shame, overcompensating for something that made them feel ‘less than’.

They fear that stigma will stay with them forever and do everything in their power to mute it by accomplishing more and being everything to everyone. That fear of failure links perfectionism and anxiety together in your subconscious mind.

Video: YouTube – The Perfectionist Trap

Here are 6 signs that you are a perfectionist:

The anxious perfectionist believes that if they show they are perfect in every way, whether it be looks, work, personal relationships, or in what material possessions they have, they never have to deal with shame and criticism. Brown refers to it as the “20-ton shield”, meaning that it will protect you against the unwanted blame, hurt, and ridicule, but is also a heavy burden to carry.

Perfectionism is based on external validation. You want to do your best because you are overly concerned about what people will think. The perfectionism isn’t based on who you authentically want to be as a person, but more on how you want to be seen by the outside world.

Now that we know the ‘why’, let’s talk about some signals that might let you know that you have obsessive compulsive perfectionism.

1. You have perfectionism procrastination.

Perfectionism and procrastination seem as if they shouldn’t be in the same sentence. But because you have the need to get it right, your perfectionist behavior can show up as ‘analysis paralysis’, a state where you overthink every minute detail. This can lead to falling behind or being so scared to fail that you avoid the task altogether.

2. You desperately need approval.

Obsessive perfectionism makes you prioritize validation and approval from others. You don’t get the same feeling of accomplishment when you know you’ve done something well as you do when someone else compliments your achievements.

3. You either win or lose. There is no gray area.

People afflicted with compulsive perfectionism have an “all or nothing” mentality. Think of the famous quote from Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights, “If you’re not first, you’re last.” Perfectionists equate success with being number one. Anything less is unacceptable.

4. You judge others too harshly.

The tendency to point out the lack of perfection in others can be referred to as ‘moral perfectionism’. You believe that your way is the right way and that if you tear other people down, it will place you on some sort of moral high ground.

5. You feel guilty.

Every perceived failure, no matter how small or insignificant, brings up feelings of inadequacy within you. You get the feeling you have let other people down and allow those emotions to take away from life’s pleasures.

6. You are super defensive.

Perfectionists struggle with taking constructive criticism about their work. They get defensive when given feedback and can lash out if they are seen as anything less than perfect.

Video: YouTube – Georgia Dow

How does being a perfectionist impact your mental and emotional well-being?

Outside of feeling that you are never enough, perfectionists can suffer from a plethora of mental and emotional issues. According to the University of Michigan’s Counseling & Psychological Services Department, some side effects of perfectionism are:

Depression
Anxiety
Test anxiety
Social anxiety
Writer’s block
Obsessiveness
Compulsiveness
Suicidal thoughts
Loneliness
Impatience
Frustration
Anger

So, perfectionism, though typically framed as a good thing by those who have it, is rooted in insecurity, embarrassment, and a deep-seated need for acceptance from the world around you. It can actually have to opposite intended effect, leaving you unhappy, unhealthy, and keeping success just out of your reach.

Here are 5 ways to finally let your need to be perfect go:

1. Give yourself some grace.

Everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. It’s important that you take your errors in stride and avoid making them bigger than they really are.

2. Have achievable goals.

If your goals are not realistic, the chances of failure are greatly increased and that will only lead to more disappointment and shame. Aim for S.M.A.R.T. goals; Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-Bound.

3. Understand your value.

Your self-worth is not about what you do, but who you are. Know that you are enough and that just doing your best is success.

4. Stop procrastinating.

Sometimes, you just have to feel the fear and do it anyway. No amount of pondering will make you 100% certain you will succeed. Be willing to take risks and move the goal post closer so you have a better chance of feeling successful.

5. Find your purpose.

Many people do things for accolades and not because they are passionate about them. Your sense of achievement should come from following your life’s purpose, not from doing meaningless things just for recognition.

If you are really struggling with perfectionism and can’t seem to overcome it on your own, it might be time to talk to a therapist. Removing the box you have painted yourself into and healing old internal wounds and trauma can go a long way in helping you focus more on living a beautiful life and less on worrying about what other people think of you.

Over the past several years, the term “Imposter Syndrome” has inundated social networking platforms like LinkedIn. Imposter Phenomenon was first introduced in 1978 in an article entitled, “The Impostor Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention” by Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes. The idea behind imposter syndrome or imposter phenomenon is that despite overwhelming evidence that you are competent, you doubt your skills and abilities and have a constant fear of being exposed as a fraud. You attribute your success to luck or the ability to deceive people into believing that you are smarter than you actually are. Wikipedia provides a detailed description here. Imposter syndrome is usually used to refer to women in the workplace but also occurs in men and in interactions outside of work.

I wasn’t aware of the term in my early twenties but clearly recall the first time I doubted myself. I was working in a Payroll department with no manager so decided to apply myself and take on manager duties. The CFO of the company was happy with my performance, so much so that they decided not to hire a manager for over a year. As the company grew, the need to expand the department became obvious, so the role of Payroll Manager was opened. I had performed all of the duties and done them well, but to my surprise, an external candidate was selected and I was completely overlooked. To add insult to injury, I was enlisted to train the new manager to take on the duties I was already performing. When I got up the nerve to confront the CFO, I was told that although I could perform the job, they were still (after two years) trying to determine whether or not I was a cultural fit for leadership at the organization. As the only black woman working in a company full of white men and sprinkled with a few white women, I read between the lines and understood that I was too black to be promoted.

Despite understanding what had gone unsaid in that situation, I began to overthink every single action I took during my tenure. Maybe I should have gone to lunch with co-workers more. Could I have smiled more? Is it possible I could have handled even more work? Was I “angry” or “aggressive”? Perhaps I was not as smart or talented as I thought I was. Despite being fully aware that my skills and abilities in payroll were exemplary and receiving confirmation from numerous outside sources, that self-doubt stuck with me for several years. I would refrain from applying to positions I was qualified for and stay in roles I was overqualified for, constantly working above my title and pay grade. I was afraid of rejection; scared of finding out that I was stupid and didn’t know it. Even after realizing my worth, I continued to battle with “superiors” who wanted to keep me in my place throughout my career.

I believe the term “gaslighting” originated from George Orwell in his book entitled 1984. If you haven’t read it… Whew! You really need to. But a great explanation of gaslighting can be found in this NBC news article by Sarah DiGiulio. The article defines gaslighting as someone manipulating another person into questioning their own perceptions, recollections, and reality. The manipulator is essentially telling the victim, “Don’t believe your lying eyes.” It’s a form of emotional abuse and usually occurs in relationships, whether professional or personal, where there is a power dynamic. Sometimes imposter syndrome starts internally. Other times it is imposed on you by outside sources. External gaslighting from those in positions of power can cause you to believe that your success was a fluke or that you are pretending to be something that you are not.

Imposter syndrome is not an equal opportunity condition. As a matter of fact, according to this Equality Matters write-up by Sheryl Nance-Nash on BBC, women of color (specifically Black and Latinx) are impacted by this far more frequently than their white counterparts. With less than five percent of corporate board seats held by women of color and virtually no black women heading up Fortune 500 companies, it’s no surprise that there is an overwhelming sense that we don’t belong when considering roles in leadership or submitting our candidacy. Even more often, we are allowed to do the work but denied the recognition and compensation associated with it.

It is vitally important to differentiate between authentic imposter syndrome and being gaslighted into believing you are an imposter. A feeling of self-doubt prompted by being the only one, the first person that looks like you to be in the position, coming from a non-traditional background, or being unable to relate to the people around you is normal and can be overcome with self-work and personal counseling. But the latter, being told that you are unqualified, not ready, or not a “cultural fit” despite exhibiting competence and living up to expectations is downright abusive. Determining which is afflicting you is important and whatever the cause, taking action is necessary. If your self-doubt is self-imposed, seek help. If you believe that you are being used and abused, speak up and remove yourself from the situation. Your feelings are valid nothing is more important than your mental health. Know your worth and protect your peace.

If you or someone you know is suffering from a mental health crisis, the CDC offers connections to various resources here.

If you believe you are being/have been discriminated against in the workplace or subjected to disparate treatment, contact the EEOC (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission).

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Tag: emotional abuse

Perfectly Imperfect: 6 Signs You Have Toxic Perfectionism & 5 Ways To Let It Go