Home, Thoughts, Theories and Theatrics Blog

Before You Quit Your Job, Try This!

Shutterstock

We’ve all been there; the job is working your very last nerves. There is too much work to do and too little time to do it. On top of that, you have no time to spend with your family and friends and your social life sucks. It’s not just you. Over the last couple of years, many people I know have walked away from “good” jobs in pursuit of self-care, personal peace, and mental stability, myself included. In fact, The Mayo Clinic has identified “burnout” as one of the primary causes of workers leaving organizations. The lack of work-life balance, combined with impossible expectations, isolation, lack of autonomy, and chaotic office environments has been too much to bear for some, while others have decided to stick around, hoping for change. If you are part of the latter, keep reading for three ways to keep your job while maintaining your sanity.

  1. Ease into your day. In the fast-paced world of work, stepping into the office usually kicks off a tornado of activity where everything seems like a priority. Without proper time to prepare for your day, before you know it, stress, anxiety, and frustration can overcome you, curbing your enthusiasm and making you less efficient. Instead of creating a whirlwind of action, decide what must be done today by spending the first hour of your day reviewing emails, deadlines, and deliverables. Be realistic. Do not overextend yourself. Once you have a clear plan, get to work on the top priority items and if you have time left in your regular workday, tackle some of the tasks that are lower on your list. Interruptions and impromptu requests will come. Be prepared to say no to anything, barring an emergency that will keep you at work past quitting time. According to this Health Guide article, setting boundaries and learning to say no are two of the many ways to prioritize your mental health on the job.
Shutterstock
  1. Hang out with your colleagues. Anyone that knows me is well-aware of my history of apprehension about fraternizing with co-workers. Over the years, I learned that being antisocial in the workplace worked to my detriment. With so many studies done on the impact of isolation at work, it is no wonder inclusion is often paired with diversity and equity when leadership attempts to improve the employee experience. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs lists Love and Belonging as number three in the five-tier model of human needs. This sense of acceptance is so important, that it falls just behind physiological needs such as food and clothing, and safety requirements. Instead of working in your own silo, invite a co-worker to lunch or to happy hour after work. If that is a big ask for your personality, try small talk at the water cooler. Interacting with others can break up the monotony of the day and build a support system. You don’t have to become besties with the people at work, but forming meaningful and authentic relationships in the workplace is something we should all strive for.
Shutterstock
  1. Find new ways to do old things. A lack of control over the work you do can leave you feeling powerless and bored. The fifth item in Maslow’s Hierarchy is self-actualization. This is defined as the desire to reach one’s full potential, to grow and learn as much as possible. Discovering ways to be autonomous within the boundaries of your role can create a new appreciation for your work, provide fresh challenges to overcome, and give you a sense of pride in your accomplishments. Getting your creative juices flowing will breathe new life into an otherwise mundane task.
Shutterstock

Trying these steps before deciding to move on could be a recipe for success in your current role. That said, there are some jobs that are just crappy. Know the difference. If the work itself is burning you out, implementing the practices can help. However, if your employer is just toxic and the culture doesn’t align with your morals and values, perhaps it’s time to move on after all.

NyRee Ausler

Subscribe below for more articles like this!

Home, Thoughts, Theories and Theatrics Blog

Black Women at Work: What Employers Can Learn from What Happened to Mo’Nique

Photo Cred: People.com – Lee Daniels and Mo’Nique

Unless you have been living under a rock for the past several years, you have heard something about the disagreement between the Comedienne, Mo’Nique, Oprah Winfrey, Lee Daniels, and Tyler Perry. I am going to focus mostly on Lee Daniels, as he was the most vocal in impacting public perception of the actress/comedienne.

Mo’Nique starred in the 2009 film, Precious, alongside Gabourey Sidibe. I will not go into the details of the movie since the trailer is linked, but to make a long story short, Mo’Nique was paid $50,000 for the role. At the time, no one had any idea that Precious would turn out to be an epic success, eventually winning the star an Emmy. As the buzz spread around the world, Mo’Nique was asked to travel far and wide to promote the movie. None of these responsibilities were included in her original contract and Lee Daniels, the film’s Producer, neglected to offer any compensation for the change in the scope of her work.

The actress refused to do additional work that she was not being compensated for and was immediately labeled “hard to work with”, “bitter”, and “angry”. Eventually, these stereotypes placed on her led to her being blackballed from the film industry for the last twelve years. To add insult to injury, when Steve Harvey invited her on his show to discuss that matter, he chastised her about how she addressed the matter, belittled her, and minimized her complaints. Mo’Nique’s words fell on deaf ears as public opinion had been formed based on the misinformation primarily pushed by Lee Daniels. Mo’Nique had her career stripped away in the blink of an eye for demanding to be paid for the work she was expected to do. Her “attitude” and her mouth were blamed for the loss of her livelihood.

Most people would have crawled in a hole and wallowed in self-pity, but not Mo’Nique. Now she was truly angry. That’s the thing; Black women at work are often treated in a way that would logically make any human being upset. When we finally do get mad, the bias is confirmed and the narrative set. In 2020, Mo’Nique filed a discrimination lawsuit against Netflix. Mo’Nique had been offered $500,000 for a comedy special on the streaming platform, while her white counterpart, Amy Schumer had been offered $11 million. In addition, Chris Rock and Dave Chapelle had received $40 million and $60 million respectively for their own specials. Mo’Nique believed that she had been underpaid due to both her race and gender. Prior to filing the lawsuit, Mo’Nique attempted to renegotiate the deal and was denied the opportunity. The case is still pending with the last update in 2020; Netflix attempted to dismiss the case and was denied.

Fast forward to early 2022. Mo’Nique gained an unlikely ally in the rapper and TV producer, 50 Cent, who is currently on a high in Hollywood due to the success of his hit show, Power. 50 happened to see Mo’Nique’s stand-up show on Super Bowl weekend and was so impressed by her that he vowed to put her back on top and reconcile the fractured relationships with Lee Daniels, Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey.

Apparently, 50 Cent’s voice carries weight because after twelve long years, Lee Daniels showed up to her comedy show in Staten Island, New York to apologize. He admitted to blackballing Mo’Nique and corroborated her story. After over a decade of being called a liar and constantly victim-shamed, her experience had been validated. The negative words commonly associated with Black women that refuse to stay ‘in their place’ had disappeared. Mo’Nique had won. But in a show of absolute humility, she immediately accepted Lee’s apology and hugged him. I applaud her for that because I am not sure how many people would have been so receptive after what had happened to her. As a show of good faith, Lee cast Mo’Nique in his upcoming Netflix film, Demon House, giving her the first appearance there since she filed the lawsuit against them.

Mo’Nique was validated and celebrated. Watching her win back everything she had lost was emotional for me because I know so many Black women that never get that chance. Most end up rebuilding their confidence and personal brand over several years with no admission of wrongdoing from an employer and with no powerful ally willing to vouch for them publicly. This situation eventually worked out, but many of us are still giving Lee Daniels the side-eye. It’s a shame that it took another powerful man to finally get him to do the right thing. Because of that I have to question his authenticity, but there are a few lessons employers can take from this situation:

  • Pay employees for all the work they do – If the scope of a job changes, compensate your employees for the additional work they are doing. According to this Gallup poll, in 2018, 43% of employees believed they were overworked and underpaid. With the Great Resignation in full swing and many Gen Z and Millennial workers willing to jump ship if they are not appreciated, pay and equity are crucial in retaining good employees and maintaining the stability of your organization.
nationalparternship.org – Black Women & the Wage Gap
  • Believe Black women – More often than not Black women in the workplace are put in a position of being both the victim and the advocate when treated unfairly at work. At first, they report an incident or pattern of behavior. Next, they are disbelieved and forced to advocate for themselves. Eventually, they are labeled “angry” or “difficult” because they refused to back down. In this Harvard Business Review article, the following paragraph stands out for me:
Harvard Business Review
  • Do the right thing… Even when no one is watching – It should not take over a decade for an employer to admit they are wrong. In fact, covering up the mistreatment of an employee should never occur. On one hand, most employers get away with it on the surface. On the other hand, other employees are watching and taking notes on how you treat people that work for you. They are fully aware and will be much more prepared when it is their turn to address an issue. A testament to this is that over half of American workers do not trust their employers when reporting workplace issues. Treating everyone at your organization with respect and dignity allows space to work issues out confidentially, avoids legal proceedings and EEOC complaints, and most importantly, signal to others that you are truly a good person, even behind closed doors.
Forbes.com
  • Do not make assumptions – I can already hear some of you saying, “But all of the participants in this story are Black, so Mo’Nique couldn’t have been discriminated against.” I know it seems like a logical argument… if you are not familiar with internalized racism/oppression. To sum it up, those suffering from this affliction have a desire to distance themselves from their own race, so adapt the same stereotypes and racist practices as those of oppressors. They tend to view themselves as “one of the good ones” and have a strong desire to be accepted by the majority. The fact that two people are of the same race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, etc., does not make it impossible for one of them to discriminate against the other.

Like many other Black women watching, I am happy to see Mo’Nique finally getting the apology and opportunity she deserves. On the flip side, I am skeptical (but hopeful) about the authenticity of the reconciliation. In the end, I would love to see those in control of our livelihoods take heed and do much, much better than Lee Daniels did in relation to Mo’Nique.

NyRee Ausler

Want to read more articles like this? Subscribe below

Home, Thoughts, Theories and Theatrics Blog

Protecting Your Peace: Setting Healthy Boundaries and Building Quality Relationships

I’m a nurturer and a fixer. I always have been. Over the years people around me have come to know me in that way. I wore it like a badge of honor. If there was a problem that needed solving, I jumped right in and took it on as my own. If someone was in financial trouble, I was the first person they called. I was unofficially in charge of keeping my extended family connected. But my responsibilities didn’t stop there. At work, if I believed someone was being treated unfairly, I intervened. It didn’t matter what the cost was to me and my career. I felt I was strong and had a duty to stand up for those that could not advocate for themselves.

Then 2020 came. I was overworked in a job that took a lot with little reward. Covid was running rampant and my nine and eleven year old were doing online school. After managing kids all day, dedicating up to sixteen hours to my career, and attempting to carve out time to connect with my husband, I had nothing left to give. Still, when family, friends, and associates reached out in need of help, I sprang into action, providing advice, encouragement, and financial support.

I looked in the mirror and saw bags forming under my eyes, had trouble sleeping, and really felt like something was missing in my life. I was angry and negative. I believed I had been used by everyone and that they needed to pay for taking me for granted. I stayed in that negative space for months. Then at the end of 2021, it hit me. What was missing in my life was me. I had been so wrapped up taking care of people and in how I was perceived by others that I had neglected my own self-care and ignored that little voice inside me telling me I was doing it wrong.

I began to focus on myself and what made me happy. I’ve often told others that when a plane is going down, the flight attendants tell adults to put their oxygen masks on before helping their kids. Unfortunately, I found myself not practicing what I preach. Some changes needed to be made. I started thinking about what I wanted out of relationships versus what I was getting out of relationships. From there I came up with a list of relationship characteristics that will ensure I am creating healthy boundaries and being supported in the same way I support others:

  1. We show up for one another personally and professionally – Everyone needs someone for something from time to time. Being the go-to person around the clock is exhausting. Make sure the the relationships you are in are recipricol. Connecting with people should be about give and take. Whether you need advice or just to vent, there should be people in your life that are available to you.
  2. We check on one another – You should not always be the first to reach out when you haven’t heard from someone in a while. Relationships that only survive due to a one-sided effort are not worth it. Form authentic connections with people that care aout you and your wellbeing and exhibit that through actions.
  3. We share information and resources – Nothing is worse than a friend who tells you all about their successes in life but intentionally withholds information that can help you in your quest for greatness. Surround yourself with people who want to see everyone around them win. Crabs-in-a-barrel mentalities are a recipe for dysfunctional relationships. There is enough room at the table for everyone to eat. Make sure everyone you align yourself with shares that belief.
  4. We speak life into one another – There are two kinds of people in this world; those that kick you when you are down and those that reach down and lift you up. I prefer the latter. You should be able to talk about your mistakes and failures without the people that proport to love you piling on. Associate with those that offset your negative feelings with words of affirmation.
  5. We are honest and authentic – While speaking life into friends and family is important, it is equally imperative that we tell them when they are in the wrong. Transparent, respectful dialog is key to healthy relationships. Criticism should be constructive and not belittling. Be specific when giving negative feedback and provide achievable solutions. When criticizing others, act with empathy and tact and do it privately. Speak up when you feel slighted. Even with the best intentions, some will take offense and tune you out. Those people just may not be your people and that’s okay.
  6. We support without gossiping – Friends and family share their deepest darkest secrets. A lot of the times, it’s either implied that the conversation should stay private or said outright. That doesn’t stop the person on the receiving end from sharing with a significant other or heading over to a different circle of friends to share the juicy details. The practice is hurtful, disrespectful and disengenuous. Keeping confidence is a rare commodity these days. Be that human being that others can trust and make sure the people you are venting to are ethically sound.
  7. We celebrate wins together – There are some people in this world that will compare every success you achieve to their position in life. They secretly despise you, while smiling in your face and hoping to outdo you. I have never understood this mindset. I love having people that inspire me in my presence. There is a saying, “If you’re the biggest fish in the pond, find a bigger pond.” Be in the company of people that love to see you prosper and be willing to drop anyone plotting on your downfall.
  8. We take accountability, learn, and grow – The most important thing you can do for everyone in your orbit is acknowledge when you are wrong. Many people struggle with this. I have in my younger days. As I’ve grown, I’ve learned that taking accountability and apologizing when I am at fault frees me from the burden and gives the other party permission to forgive. I’ve seen many relationships crumble as too many things were left unsaid and unacknowledged. Get the elephant out of the room and communicate so everyone can learn and grow from life’s lessons.

I once saw a meme advising to stay away from “still” people. Still complaining. Still broken. Still jealous. Still not growing. Still living in the past. Still making excuses. Birds of a feather flock together and if you continue to keep negativity in your world, it’s sure to rub off on you.

Applying these rules to every relationship I have has been life-changing. Removing takers and negative people from my life has changed everything. I no longer carry burdens that do not belong to me. I take care of my needs first, filling my cup so I have something to pour into those that deserve it. Life is to be lived and I am intent on living my best life.

NyRee Ausler

Like this article? Subscribe below to be notified when I post!

Home, Thoughts, Theories and Theatrics Blog

The Curious Case of Kanye: Why His Problems Have Nothing To Do With Black Women

Photo Cred: TMZ.COM

Another day… another prominent Black man is using his blackness to garner support from Black women. Let me start by saying that I have no problem whatsoever with interracial relationships. I believe that all human beings are entitled to and should love who they love. I do have a problem with Black people justifying their self-worth by their proximity to whiteness. In addition, nothing bothers me more than those same Black people getting shunned by the white people they have aligned themselves with and returning to the Black community for support in their self-imposed plight.

I remember when Kanye West first hit the scene with his College Dropout album. He was raw and gritty, from the streets of Chicago, had just survived a terrible car accident that inspired his debut single, Through the Wire, and had been raised by his mother, Donda West, for whom he had the utmost love and respect. We could relate, as most of us had been through or knew someone who had experienced some aspect of his life. He was the ultimate story of overcoming. Black women’s reverence for him was further solidified when he dropped his single with Jamie Foxx, Gold Digger. One verse, in particular, caught fire:

“So you stick by his side.
I know there’s dudes ballin’, and yeah, that’s nice.
And they gonna keep callin’ and tryin’, but you stay right, girl,
And when you get on, he leave yo’ ass for a white girl.”

I couldn’t personally relate to the lyrics and could not have cared less who any man chose but knew this was a strong narrative circulating amongst Black women. The belief that some Black men would stay with us while they struggled, using our loyalty to grow and flourish, then move on to white women when success hit was hurtful to many. Kanye understood. He, too, could relate. He put Black women’s pain to pen and paper and hit a gold mine. I was skeptical, as I knew the history of people using Black pain and suffering for profit.

As the years went on, Kanye seemed to change. He lost his mother, married, and created a family with Kim Kardashian, appearing to have followed the blueprint he laid out in Gold Digger. His supposed slap-in-the-face of Black women was the catalyst for Poet, Jasmine Man’s 2015 poem, Footnotes for Kanye. As the years went on, we watched him spiral into an abyss of perceived anti-blackness. He allowed his wife to repeatedly appropriate Black hairstyles, mimicking and exploiting the aesthetics of Black women. He supported Donald Trump, who publicly and aggressively sought to disenfranchise Black voters among many other terrible things. And let’s not forget the “Slavery was a choice” thing. Over the years, Kanye has successfully dismantled his reputation in many circles of black people unapologetically.

Fast forward to today. Kanye is in the midst of a messy divorce from Kim Kardashian. His unstable behavior over several years had led to the decline of his marriage. Last year we watched as he begged his wife to take him back. She seems to have ignored his pleas and since then, we have seen him publicize his co-parenting drama time and time again. Then today, Kanye issued the following statement on Instagram:

Divorce and co-parenting problems are not new or exclusive to Kanye West. With almost half of marriages ending in divorce, it’s entirely possible that many of us have experienced the same. Expressing one’s feelings on social media is the new norm. Although not ideal, many people do it to gain support, get sympathy, or simply to vent. But something about this post really bothered me.

The use of the word “BLACK” and the context it was used in feel inauthentic and in my opinion, take away from the real problems that Black people experience. In the first instance, Kanye talks about claims that he put a hit on Kim and how easily these false accusations can impact the lives of Black men. You have to be living under a rock to not understand the impact of police brutality on the Black community and the frequency of Black men being locked up, based solely on the testimony of white women. Although this is a valid concern, I believe Kanye is bringing it up to exploit the emotions that Black women feel when confronted with racism and injustice against Black men. It’s common knowledge that Black women are at the forefront of the fight for racial justice. He knows that and is using that for his own personal benefit, whether warranted or not.

In the second instance, Kanye uses the word “BLACK” in reference to his children, implying the need to protect them. Black women have a history of being viewed as nurturers and living up to that stereotype. Whether being forced to care for the families and nurse the children of slaveowners while ours went neglected, and even feeding our broken and battered men from our breasts when they were deprived of food or the expectation that we are the empathetic caretakers in the organizations, Black women are often given everyone’s burden to carry. When it comes to children, especially Black children, our natural inclination is to protect them from the unique dangers they face in this world. As the son of a Black mother, Kanye gets this. Instead of dealing with his marital woes like a man, he is using his platform to lay his problems at the feet of black women. Words have power and he is yielding that power to play on our emotions.

As a man with the resources needed for whatever legal custody battles he faces and undoubtedly, a team of “yes” men and women surrounding him, ready to jump at his every beck and call, there is no financial support that we can provide him in his time of need. But that’s not what he is looking for. What he needs is our anger, our empathy, our maternal instincts toward his Black children. Kanye wants to win in the court of public opinion and he wants to enlist the help of Black women to wage emotional warfare on his soon-to-be ex-wife. Make no mistake about it. There are some of us that have already internalized his plight and decided that we are ready to get in the trenches to protect this man against the racial injustice he is apparently facing. I am not one of those women and you should not be.

In recent times, self-care has become a 10 billion dollar industry, buoyed by the realization of Black women that our first obligation is to ourselves. We have awakened to the idea that it is not our job to save every Black man that needs saving. Kanye cannot launch a successful career off the backs of black people, say and do hurtful things to those same people, and return to them for support when it’s convenient. He made the decisions that he felt were best for his life and career and has to lie in the bed he made. Most of us get it and take the situation and his obvious pandering to Black women for what it is… gaslighting. My hope for all of us is that we save our energy for those that deserve it and live up to the responsibility they hold as influencers. Let’s prioritize ourselves and ignore the chatter. Don’t be sucked into situations that do not involve you, protect your energy, and certainly do not allow toxic and conniving men of any race to use your Black Girl Magic reserves to fill their cups while leaving your tank on empty.

Here is a list of 9 ways to practice self-care from Essence Magazine.

“I don’t have to go around trying to save everybody anymore; that’s not my job.” ~Jada Pinkett-Smith

Black Girl Magic – Shutterstock

NyRee Ausler

If you enjoyed this article, subscribe below to be notified about upcoming posts.

Home, Thoughts, Theories and Theatrics Blog

Protecting Your Peace In 2022: 10 Ways to Prevent Burnout

For years, some of us have been taking steps to build our careers while also taking care of our families and finding the time to pursue our passions. The journey has led to exhilarating highs and the lowest of lows. Making sure to meet and exceed expectations at work, at home, and within can lead to extreme burnout, especially when success is achieved in each area.

Burnout can leave you feeling tired, resentful, and can even paralyze your progress, causing you to fail in important areas of life. Recognizing the early signs of burnout is imperative to assessing your work/life balance and setting priorities.

Success is a double-edged sword. Most people find it difficult to practice self-care when they are riding high on success or pursuing it. Forming healthy self-care habits can help stay ahead of potential problems. Allocating time to do the things you love is one of the best things you can do to keep burnout at bay. That’s why I’ve decided to create a Protecting Your Peace in 2022 blog series. I want to remind all of us grinding and hustling for success to make ourselves the priority. Here are 10 ways to prevent burnout this year:

  • Be on the lookout for warning signs. Burnout affects people in different ways. Maybe you are feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and are lacking the energy necessary to perform your work. Or perhaps you feel sad and stressed out, unable to sleep due to worry or the inability to shut your mind down. There are also physical signs to be aware of. Some that I have personally experienced are blurred vision, headache, and sensitive eyes. This came from spending hours on end in front of the computer for an extended amount of time and neglecting breaks. Whatever negative impact you are experiencing, these are clear signals that you need to stop and assess the impact the daily grind is having on you.
  • Take regular breaks. One thing that I have let go of this year is the need to prove my value by overworking and skipping breaks. Any time I’m feeling overwhelmed, stuck or just need to take my mind off of working briefly, I just do it. A 15-20 minute break can make all the difference between being your most productive and spinning in place. When you feel burnout creeping up, take a break and rest, go for a walk, or do something you truly enjoy. Giving yourself time to clear your mind is key for your health and well-being.
  • Find a consistent sleep pattern. Studies show that people who do not get enough sleep each night are more likely to burn out. If you find yourself falling asleep at your desk, unable to focus, lacking concentration, or routinely suffering from headaches, it may be time to adjust your sleep schedule. Everyone varies in how much rest they need on a daily basis, but most experts agree that 6-8 hours is the minimum amount of sleep necessary to function in a healthy way. Going to sleep and waking up around the same time everyday creates consistency in your body and reduces the stress of having to constantly adjust to changes in your sleep pattern.
  • Make regular exercise an essential part of your life. Regular exercise reduces stress and increases energy. With many of us juggling so many things in life, working out can seem like an inconvenient chore. However, the benefits of routinely raising your heart rate and working your muscles is immeasurable. It does not have to be strenuous exercise. Whether you are taking a brisk walk, raising your desk to stand for portions of your day, or just stretching, it all counts! Since adding a brief workout to my everyday routine, I have noticed less stress equating to less exhaustion and headaches.
  • Set goals and take action. In order to get to your destination, you need direction. Establish goals and take some action in pursuit of them each day. Knowing exactly what you’re working toward makes it easier to get your day started. I set daily goals that roll into larger goals that happen over time. Once I meet the day-to-day goals I have set, I give myself permission to stop working. I intend to meet those self-imposed obligations each day, but from time to time, things come up and I can’t. In those cases, I move the goal forward to the next day, forgive myself from the miss and still prioritize my rest and rejuvenation.
  • Don’t try to do it all. Being a one-person operation can be overwhelming. I used to believe that unless I did something, it would not be done right. By changing my mindset to vetting, trusting, then verifying, I have been able to release some of the pressure I had created for myself. No one is expected to know and be everything. It is okay to delegate to coworkers, hire an assistant, find a nanny, or pay for a cleaning service. Trusting someone else to help with your workload will free up time for taking care of yourself. It will also help you think more clearly and creatively. Never feel guilty for making free time a priority. Allowing time to just be is as important to your success as hard work and discipline are.
  • Identify the problem and fix it. If you have already exhibited signs of burnout, knowing what to do about it is the logical next step. You need to take some time to reflect on what is creating the feeling. Is it your work? Do you need additional training? Is your job impossible for one person to perform? Do you need to move on? Is your family life filled with drama? Are you suffering from illness? Once you know exactly what is ailing you, the necessary solutions will begin to present themselves and you can take action to heal.
  • Go on a vacation. Fun doesn’t have to be expensive. A change of scenery may be just what you need to restart your engine. Plan a trip by yourself or with people that you enjoy being with. Go for some fresh air, shut out any responsibilities, dance, eat, sit on the beach, and return feeling refreshed. Whether you take a simple road trip or hop on an international flight, dedicate the time to being in the moment and temporarily letting your worries vanish.
  • Self-care should be ongoing. Some of us wait until burnout arises to decide on practicing self-care but recharging your battery should not only happen when it’s dead. You don’t just wait until your car has a problem before you take it in to the dealership. Preventative measures are taken to keep mechanical failures away. Think of yourself as a high-end car. You need routine maintenance to stay strong and healthy, regular analysis to detect any potential issues, and the tools on hand to fix those troubles.
  • Establish boundaries. Over the years, I have inadvertently developed a caretaker persona the extends from my personal life into my career and entrepreneurial ventures. Part of this has been giving to others when I had nothing to give to myself and allowing people to use my time and resources without consideration of the impact on me. Making people around you aware of your boundaries and enforcing them is the biggest thing you can do to protect your peace. In the workplace, let leadership and your colleagues know that you are not working around the clock. You deserve to have set expectations surrounding work/life balance. In your personal life, stop letting your family and friends come to you repeatedly with the same issues. There’s a thin line between being of service and enabling problematic behavior.

Being successful is not about doing whatever you are asked no matter the consequences on your mental, physical and emotional health. Success is about making sure you have the time to do what is important to you and ensuring that you have a healthy and balanced life inside and outside of the workplace. Implement some of these tips into your life and see the positive changes unfold.

Want to receive updates on future blog posts? Subscribe below:

Home, Thoughts, Theories and Theatrics Blog

Friends vs. Co-Workers: Why the Two Can Almost Never Coexist

Photo Cred: Shutterstock

I can recall the very first time I came to the devasting conclusion that a co-worker I had spent time with, built a bond with, and treated like family was not my friend. I was working in Payroll/HR at a construction company, and she was a Project Manager. We hit it off immediately, going to lunch on a daily basis, supporting each other through family issues and work-related matters. She even helped to host my baby shower. Naturally, when I began to realize I was underpaid and overworked, she was my biggest supporter… privately. I shared my conversations with my manager, my stresses and frustration regarding what I felt was a discriminatory workplace. She listened and agreed, seemingly upset that I was being treated unfairly. The workplace situation escalated when I was “laid off” while on maternity leave due to a supposed reduction in force. It turned out that the company had decided to replace me with the owner’s niece, who I had trained to fill in while I was out. They also paid her appropriately. My co-worker/friend provided me with details about the office after I left the company, noting that there was no reduction in force and the owners of the company simply wanted to employ their own. This, of course, prompted me to take legal action.

After meeting with an attorney, my former employer had their company records subpoenaed. This included all email correspondence. To my astonishment, my friend at work had been passing all of our conversations along to my manager. I scanned email after email that detailed all of my personal business I had discussed with her. She had been rewarded for her loyalty to the company with an increase and promotion immediately after I left. After finding this out, I contacted my former co-worker and she was speechless, offering no explanation for her betrayal. I didn’t need one, really. She had used me and my situation to look out for herself. She apologized, but I ceased any communication with her. The situation landed in my favor, but the damage had been done. Over the years, there have been attempts by her to reconnect and I have rejected them because there can never be trust in our “friendship” again.

When friendships formed at work go awry, it is not always this dramatic. There are, however, variables in place that can prevent the relationship from being authentic. Workplace relationships are usually formed from compatible personality traits or a shared experience, whether good or bad. Either you are in the trenches together and form a bond or you are in a toxic environment and lean on each other to make it through a tough time.

The problem with believing that you and your friend/colleague have compatible personalities is that most people do not bring their authentic selves to work so whether you actually know your co-worker is questionable. What’s important to them? Is it equality in the workplace? How about opportunities for advancement? Does money motivate them? Do they know how to form healthy, functional relationships? I cannot count how many times I thought I knew what was important to a co-worker only to be surprised by their actions. As a dedicated activist for diversity, equality, and inclusion in the workplace, I have connected with many people to help them through trying times. Those connections have led to friendships. But I’ve noticed that once their trials and tribulations are over, the friendship we had formed was not the same. Sure, if they are in trouble again and need support, they reach out but is that really a friendship?

Let’s talk about human psychology. In my last blog post, Black Women: Stop Going Where You Are Not Welcomed, I talked about a psychologist, Abraham Maslow, and introduced Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. The illustration below shows the five human needs represented in this theory, starting at the bottom of the pyramid. As you move up from the foundation, each need must be met before moving to the next. One necessity cannot be fulfilled unless those beneath it have been achieved.

Photo Cred: Shutter Stock – Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Once the physiological needs (food, clothing, and shelter) have been met, the safety needs, including employment, resources, and property must be met before we even think about friendship and social interaction. I would even submit that the physiological and safety needs are interdependent as you need money and resources to obtain basic needs. Let’s face it; no matter how much you love what you do or how good you are at it, most people work to provide for themselves and their families. Employment and resources equal financial security and stability and will always be a primary concern. To further exemplify this, in an article by Employment First Florida, the top two reasons people work are listed as money and independence.

To add to Maslow’s Theory, another psychologist, Frederick Herzberg, developed the motivation-hygiene theory illustrated below. The idea is that the hygiene factors on the left must be fulfilled before the motivation factors on the right can even be considered. The motivation factors are what people need to be satisfied and happy in the workplace assuming the basic hygiene factors are met.

Photo Cred: Shutterstock – Herzberg’s Motivation-Hygiene Theory Illustration

Although “relationships” are listed as one of the hygiene factors, once relationships are established, they can be impacted by the quest for achievement and advancement. Simplified, it’s highly likely that despite your friendship with your co-worker, if the possibility of losing a job, opportunities for achievement, recognition or advancement come into play, they may through you under the bus, drive over you like a speed bump, then throw the bus in reverse to make sure you are dead. Even more will play both sides against the middle, telling you what you want to hear while simultaneously using your situation to benefit themselves. Since you, too, need your basic needs met, it’s important to consider the why in workplace interactions. Be friendly. Be cordial. Be easy to work with, but also be reasonable. Always bear in mind that everyone is there to fulfill one of their basic needs and everything else is secondary.

With that said, I will tell you that I have met some awesome ladies in the workplace and been able to maintain authentic, supportive friendships outside of our professional connections. The landscape of those relationships has changed because we are no longer having a shared experience in our careers, but the common denominator is that we have things in common that have nothing to do with our jobs. In addition, when we did work together we were upfront, transparent, and never created an element of distrust. From a Human Resources perspective, I can say that often, friendships that start in the workplace fall apart when tested with the possibility of losing stability and resources or the introduction of an opportunity. Choose your close associates wisely and set boundaries. Remember that a listening ear is close to a running mouth.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

Author Unknown