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Protecting Your Peace: Setting Healthy Boundaries and Building Quality Relationships

I’m a nurturer and a fixer. I always have been. Over the years people around me have come to know me in that way. I wore it like a badge of honor. If there was a problem that needed solving, I jumped right in and took it on as my own. If someone was in financial trouble, I was the first person they called. I was unofficially in charge of keeping my extended family connected. But my responsibilities didn’t stop there. At work, if I believed someone was being treated unfairly, I intervened. It didn’t matter what the cost was to me and my career. I felt I was strong and had a duty to stand up for those that could not advocate for themselves.

Then 2020 came. I was overworked in a job that took a lot with little reward. Covid was running rampant and my nine and eleven year old were doing online school. After managing kids all day, dedicating up to sixteen hours to my career, and attempting to carve out time to connect with my husband, I had nothing left to give. Still, when family, friends, and associates reached out in need of help, I sprang into action, providing advice, encouragement, and financial support.

I looked in the mirror and saw bags forming under my eyes, had trouble sleeping, and really felt like something was missing in my life. I was angry and negative. I believed I had been used by everyone and that they needed to pay for taking me for granted. I stayed in that negative space for months. Then at the end of 2021, it hit me. What was missing in my life was me. I had been so wrapped up taking care of people and in how I was perceived by others that I had neglected my own self-care and ignored that little voice inside me telling me I was doing it wrong.

I began to focus on myself and what made me happy. I’ve often told others that when a plane is going down, the flight attendants tell adults to put their oxygen masks on before helping their kids. Unfortunately, I found myself not practicing what I preach. Some changes needed to be made. I started thinking about what I wanted out of relationships versus what I was getting out of relationships. From there I came up with a list of relationship characteristics that will ensure I am creating healthy boundaries and being supported in the same way I support others:

  1. We show up for one another personally and professionally – Everyone needs someone for something from time to time. Being the go-to person around the clock is exhausting. Make sure the the relationships you are in are recipricol. Connecting with people should be about give and take. Whether you need advice or just to vent, there should be people in your life that are available to you.
  2. We check on one another – You should not always be the first to reach out when you haven’t heard from someone in a while. Relationships that only survive due to a one-sided effort are not worth it. Form authentic connections with people that care aout you and your wellbeing and exhibit that through actions.
  3. We share information and resources – Nothing is worse than a friend who tells you all about their successes in life but intentionally withholds information that can help you in your quest for greatness. Surround yourself with people who want to see everyone around them win. Crabs-in-a-barrel mentalities are a recipe for dysfunctional relationships. There is enough room at the table for everyone to eat. Make sure everyone you align yourself with shares that belief.
  4. We speak life into one another – There are two kinds of people in this world; those that kick you when you are down and those that reach down and lift you up. I prefer the latter. You should be able to talk about your mistakes and failures without the people that proport to love you piling on. Associate with those that offset your negative feelings with words of affirmation.
  5. We are honest and authentic – While speaking life into friends and family is important, it is equally imperative that we tell them when they are in the wrong. Transparent, respectful dialog is key to healthy relationships. Criticism should be constructive and not belittling. Be specific when giving negative feedback and provide achievable solutions. When criticizing others, act with empathy and tact and do it privately. Speak up when you feel slighted. Even with the best intentions, some will take offense and tune you out. Those people just may not be your people and that’s okay.
  6. We support without gossiping – Friends and family share their deepest darkest secrets. A lot of the times, it’s either implied that the conversation should stay private or said outright. That doesn’t stop the person on the receiving end from sharing with a significant other or heading over to a different circle of friends to share the juicy details. The practice is hurtful, disrespectful and disengenuous. Keeping confidence is a rare commodity these days. Be that human being that others can trust and make sure the people you are venting to are ethically sound.
  7. We celebrate wins together – There are some people in this world that will compare every success you achieve to their position in life. They secretly despise you, while smiling in your face and hoping to outdo you. I have never understood this mindset. I love having people that inspire me in my presence. There is a saying, “If you’re the biggest fish in the pond, find a bigger pond.” Be in the company of people that love to see you prosper and be willing to drop anyone plotting on your downfall.
  8. We take accountability, learn, and grow – The most important thing you can do for everyone in your orbit is acknowledge when you are wrong. Many people struggle with this. I have in my younger days. As I’ve grown, I’ve learned that taking accountability and apologizing when I am at fault frees me from the burden and gives the other party permission to forgive. I’ve seen many relationships crumble as too many things were left unsaid and unacknowledged. Get the elephant out of the room and communicate so everyone can learn and grow from life’s lessons.

I once saw a meme advising to stay away from “still” people. Still complaining. Still broken. Still jealous. Still not growing. Still living in the past. Still making excuses. Birds of a feather flock together and if you continue to keep negativity in your world, it’s sure to rub off on you.

Applying these rules to every relationship I have has been life-changing. Removing takers and negative people from my life has changed everything. I no longer carry burdens that do not belong to me. I take care of my needs first, filling my cup so I have something to pour into those that deserve it. Life is to be lived and I am intent on living my best life.

NyRee Ausler

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Home, Thoughts, Theories and Theatrics Blog

Black Women: Stop Going Where You Are Not Welcomed

Photo Cred: Shutterstock

I usually don’t write about pop culture, but this story caught my attention for many reasons. Yesterday, I came across an article on Yahoo by way of HelloBeautiful. The post talked about an incident that occurred at E11even, a nightclub in Miami. A group of black women was waiting to get in and apparently being bypassed by the doormen. Cardi B approached to make an appearance and the women advised her that they were being discriminated against. After being made aware of the situation, Cardi proceeded to “advocate” for the women by chanting, “Let them in!” until the men at the door relented.

Although we can all appreciate the Latina rapper stepping in to make sure these women were able to drink, dance, and party the night away. As a black woman, I experienced some serious secondhand embarrassment. Before I get into the reason for that, I would like to say first that Cardi B has no obligation to stand up for me or you or anyone. With that said, instead of leading a “Let them in” chant, I would have preferred she left a club that refused service to any people of color and took her talents and fans elsewhere. But I digress.

Black women throughout history have fought for the right to be seen, heard, and treated fairly and equally. We have protested for the rights to vote, read, write, against police brutality, escaped the horrors of slavery, and came out of Jim Crow and segregation. We have come from some of the worst circumstances to become who we are today. The stakes have been high, and we have always risen to the occasion.

Today is a new day, though. Collectively, black women are becoming well-aware of their worth no longer settling for mediocre treatment, and foregoing inclusion in spaces that make us feel like an outsider. Whether it be a job that is devaluing us, a relationship where we are settling for less than we deserve, or establishments that make it clear that we are not a part of their target demographic, we are just saying no. So it astonishes me that a group of grown women stood in the face of rejection with such low stakes and collectively begged to enter a nightclub that did not want them there.

I get it; human beings have an overwhelming need to be accepted. According to this thoughtco.com article explaining Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, human beings have five requirements to be happy in life:

  • Physiological food, shelter, and drink. These are the basic things you need to survive. Without meeting this need, nothing else matters.
  • Safety – the need to feel safe from harm and have stability in a predictable environment. Without feeling safe and meeting your basic needs, it’s difficult to consider less pertinent necessities.
  • Love and belonging – this applies to romantic relationships, family, friends, and social circles. People must feel loved, accepted, and included.
  • Esteem – self-confidence and feeling good about oneself along with being valued by others. We need to feel that we matter and that our contributions are valued by others.
  • Self-Actualization – the feeling that we are walking in our purpose; the idea that we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing.

Assuming that the women that pleaded to be granted entry in this nightclub had their physiological needs met, my guess is that their actions were taken in pursuit of love and belonging, and esteem. From code-switching to attempting to meet Eurocentric standards of beauty, black women have long felt the need to fit into spaces we were never intended to be in; despite what we thought about ourselves we felt forced to compete with the barrage of non-black images inundating our daily lives and labeled the epitome of beauty. Even with our black features and vernacular in high demand, these attributes were still unacceptable when paired with black skin. A lot of progress has been made and black women have decidedly shown up authentically wearing natural hair, full lips, and covered in black girl magic. Even still, there are many of us that want to be accepted into circles that are not interested in us. Some of us want to prove we are special by getting validation from places that have forsaken us in the past.

These ladies waited outside in the December cold, overlooked and ignored, imploring a woman who has allegedly been colorist toward women that look like them in the past to throw them a lifeline. They were finally admitted as a negotiation to secure the presence of the said non-black woman. Perhaps they felt the need to be included in the social circle that E11even represented or maybe they felt that entering this business would prove to everyone around them that they were among the women that were considered beautiful by the patrons and staff. Either way, it was a sad sight to see. The disappointment I felt in my heart for these women that settled for being treated like second-class citizens while contributing to the offender’s bottom line was heavy.

I will sit in my house alone for the rest of my life before I allow myself to be marginalized, disrespected, or mistreated anywhere. But I don’t have to. There are people and places that respect and appreciate black women. There are social circles that you will be welcomed into with open arms; cultivating your sense of belonging and boosting your self-esteem by connecting with people that wholeheartedly believe that black is beautiful.

Below are a few resources with black businesses to frequent and support. A simple Google search will turn up many more. We no longer go where we are not welcomed and in the words of the amazing High Priestess of Soul, Nina Simone, “You’ve gotta learn to leave the table when respect is no longer being served.”

Thirty Black-Owned Restaurants Throughout the US

82 Black-Owned Clothing Lines

27 Black-Owned HairCare Brands