mental health

When I became a teen mom, I was judged by everyone around me. People thought my life had been ruined by my own actions. Others guessed that I was headed down a long road filled with disappointments and dead ends. That’s where my perfectionism anxiety first started.

Professor and Writer Brené Brown once said, “When perfectionism is driving, shame is always riding shotgun, and fear is the annoying backseat driver.” People who strive to be perfect in everything they do usually come from a place of shame, overcompensating for something that made them feel ‘less than’.

They fear that stigma will stay with them forever and do everything in their power to mute it by accomplishing more and being everything to everyone. That fear of failure links perfectionism and anxiety together in your subconscious mind.

Video: YouTube – The Perfectionist Trap

Here are 6 signs that you are a perfectionist:

The anxious perfectionist believes that if they show they are perfect in every way, whether it be looks, work, personal relationships, or in what material possessions they have, they never have to deal with shame and criticism. Brown refers to it as the “20-ton shield”, meaning that it will protect you against the unwanted blame, hurt, and ridicule, but is also a heavy burden to carry.

Perfectionism is based on external validation. You want to do your best because you are overly concerned about what people will think. The perfectionism isn’t based on who you authentically want to be as a person, but more on how you want to be seen by the outside world.

Now that we know the ‘why’, let’s talk about some signals that might let you know that you have obsessive compulsive perfectionism.

1. You have perfectionism procrastination.

Perfectionism and procrastination seem as if they shouldn’t be in the same sentence. But because you have the need to get it right, your perfectionist behavior can show up as ‘analysis paralysis’, a state where you overthink every minute detail. This can lead to falling behind or being so scared to fail that you avoid the task altogether.

2. You desperately need approval.

Obsessive perfectionism makes you prioritize validation and approval from others. You don’t get the same feeling of accomplishment when you know you’ve done something well as you do when someone else compliments your achievements.

3. You either win or lose. There is no gray area.

People afflicted with compulsive perfectionism have an “all or nothing” mentality. Think of the famous quote from Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights, “If you’re not first, you’re last.” Perfectionists equate success with being number one. Anything less is unacceptable.

4. You judge others too harshly.

The tendency to point out the lack of perfection in others can be referred to as ‘moral perfectionism’. You believe that your way is the right way and that if you tear other people down, it will place you on some sort of moral high ground.

5. You feel guilty.

Every perceived failure, no matter how small or insignificant, brings up feelings of inadequacy within you. You get the feeling you have let other people down and allow those emotions to take away from life’s pleasures.

6. You are super defensive.

Perfectionists struggle with taking constructive criticism about their work. They get defensive when given feedback and can lash out if they are seen as anything less than perfect.

Video: YouTube – Georgia Dow

How does being a perfectionist impact your mental and emotional well-being?

Outside of feeling that you are never enough, perfectionists can suffer from a plethora of mental and emotional issues. According to the University of Michigan’s Counseling & Psychological Services Department, some side effects of perfectionism are:

Depression
Anxiety
Test anxiety
Social anxiety
Writer’s block
Obsessiveness
Compulsiveness
Suicidal thoughts
Loneliness
Impatience
Frustration
Anger

So, perfectionism, though typically framed as a good thing by those who have it, is rooted in insecurity, embarrassment, and a deep-seated need for acceptance from the world around you. It can actually have to opposite intended effect, leaving you unhappy, unhealthy, and keeping success just out of your reach.

Here are 5 ways to finally let your need to be perfect go:

1. Give yourself some grace.

Everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. It’s important that you take your errors in stride and avoid making them bigger than they really are.

2. Have achievable goals.

If your goals are not realistic, the chances of failure are greatly increased and that will only lead to more disappointment and shame. Aim for S.M.A.R.T. goals; Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-Bound.

3. Understand your value.

Your self-worth is not about what you do, but who you are. Know that you are enough and that just doing your best is success.

4. Stop procrastinating.

Sometimes, you just have to feel the fear and do it anyway. No amount of pondering will make you 100% certain you will succeed. Be willing to take risks and move the goal post closer so you have a better chance of feeling successful.

5. Find your purpose.

Many people do things for accolades and not because they are passionate about them. Your sense of achievement should come from following your life’s purpose, not from doing meaningless things just for recognition.

If you are really struggling with perfectionism and can’t seem to overcome it on your own, it might be time to talk to a therapist. Removing the box you have painted yourself into and healing old internal wounds and trauma can go a long way in helping you focus more on living a beautiful life and less on worrying about what other people think of you.

Thoughts, Theories and Theatrics Blog

20 Positive Affirmations For Being Happy In Difficult Times

October 11, 2023October 11, 2023 NyRee Ausler

With World Mental Health Day just yesterday, I got into a discussion with a friend who called to check on me. She asked how I was holding up in the midst of a ton of recent changes in my life. This led to us discussing affirmations I found helpful when I was feeling overwhelmed.

To give some context, this year has been filled with loss and tragedy. I’ve lost an aunt whom I was growing closer to and a niece whom I loved like one of my own children, initiated a divorce, adjusted to not seeing my kids every day, sold my home, and relocated. And those are just the biggest things. Without a positive outlook, I could easily have folded under the pressure.

Video: Wisdom Nuggets – YouTube

When we experience pain and trauma in life, it’s easy to be unable to see a way out. Maybe the problems you are facing seem insurmountable, or the hurt and devastation are too much to handle. Well, I’m here to tell you that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. If you can change your mindset, you can turn losses into lessons that, when applied properly, fill your future with blessings beyond measure.

You may have heard of or dismissed the thought that positive affirmations can change your life. But these uplifting words can help you banish negative thoughts and self-talk and literally alter your mental state.

The science behind it is that self-affirmation lights up the ‘rewards’ center of your brain, just as it would if you were performing the actions you are talking about. For instance, if you say, “I am going to get a pay increase,” your body responds as if you already have, and your neural pathways alter areas of your brain that make you feel happy.

In addition, studies have confirmed positive affirmations can decrease health-deteriorating stress, increase your motivation to take effective action and prompt you to change your habits in favor of those that support your goals and purpose. Below are 20 positive affirmations that will help you stay grounded and content in tough times.

20 Positive Affirmations To Uplift You During Hard Times:

1. Life is not happening to me. It’s happening for me.

It’s easy to fall into a victim mentality when you are getting hit with blow after blow in life. Keep in mind that everything you’re experiencing is moving you closer to your destiny.

2. I am in total control of myself and always do what’s in my best interest.

Blaming other people for your suffering can buffer the guilt you feel for where you are in life. Taking accountability for the role you played puts you in a place of acceptance and allows you to forgive yourself. No one can do anything to you that you don’t allow.

3. I know that this, too, shall pass.

Tough times don’t last, but tough people do. Remember that it can’t rain all the time. The sun will eventually come out. Learn to take the good with the bad and know that your struggles won’t last forever.

4. I am strong and resilient.

When you feel like giving up, remember that you are full of strength and that you didn’t come this far to only come this far. You got this.

5. I know that it gets greater later, and am looking toward the future with excitement.

Fear can be paralyzing and is usually the result of worrying about things that have not actually come to fruition. Stay present and keep your eyes on the prize. You can’t change the past, but you can control what is happening right now and put the pieces in place for a bright future.

6. I stand for something, so I don’t fall for anything.

Sometimes, you have to go through it to get to it. There are no shortcuts or detours. When you stick to your values and principles, it might cost you people and things, but you are willing to grieve those losses to manifest a better tomorrow.

7. I only nourish my body with healthy things.

Garbage in, garbage out. What you take in matters. Whether it’s food or energy, only ‘eat’ things that make you better. Distance yourself from negative places and people, and always protect your peace and tranquility.

8. I go where I’m celebrated, not tolerated.

You don’t have to force anyone to like you. There are people in this world who will love to see you coming. Those are your people. Why even entertain anyone who does not approach you with love, dignity, and respect?

9. I know that everything happens for a reason.

It might not be apparent now, but everything happening in your life is divinely guiding your steps. Trust the process and stay the course.

10. I can do this.

Know that no weapon formed against you will prosper. You are facing challenges because you are a person who can overcome them.

11. If I keep pushing, I will come out on the other side.

When you’re in a storm, you don’t stop and sit in it. You keep on moving until you find yourself under clear skies and in greener pastures.

12. I am comfortable asking for help when I need it.

Many strong people struggle with asking for help. Build rapport with people you trust, and don’t hesitate to reach out. Get professional help if your burdens feel like too much to bare.

13. I give myself adequate time and space to fill my cup.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. Take time to practice self-care and mindfulness without guilt. Make yourself a priority.

14. I was blessed to wake up this morning and have the opportunity to experience life for another day.

As bad as things seem, there are some people who didn’t wake up today. Be grateful that you are here and have another chance to get it right.

15. I know my purpose, and I do something every day that brings me closer to it.

One of the best things you can do for yourself is find out exactly why are here. What is your passion? How do you want to be remembered? Once you know, act like it and make positive progress in the right direction.

16. I trust my intuition, and I know how to make good decisions.

How many times could you have avoided disaster by simply listening to your inner voice? It’s time to trust yourself and follow divine guidance.

Video: Lisa Nichols – YouTube

17. I like myself, so everyone else liking me is just a bonus.

One of the biggest sources of disappointment in life is a lack of external validation. But when you learn to validate yourself, you will begin to care less about what other people think about you.

18. I am worthy of receiving whatever I want in life.

You get what you believe you deserve. Make sure your internal sense of value and worth matches what you are striving for. Never chase. Believe it’s yours, and it shall be.

19. I turn my pain into power.

Everything you experience is either a blessing or a lesson. Even painful and heartbreaking situations can be the catalyst for achieving your wildest dreams. Find the life lesson in your trauma and use it to empower yourself.

20. I am always growing and transforming.

If you want success and happiness, you must realize that there is always something new to learn. Be willing to change your mind in order to morph into your best and most authentic self.

Thoughts, Theories and Theatrics Blog

10 Easy Ways To Start Your 2023 Self-Care Journey Off Right

February 23, 2023October 6, 2023 NyRee Ausler

You’ve likely heard the term ‘self-care’ thrown around a lot over the past few years. Women and men everywhere have been waking up to the importance of taking care of their physical, mental, and emotional health.

The most desirable lifestyle is no longer one of simply coping with the stresses of life. Instead we are taking total and complete control over who and what we let into our orbits and filling our own cups before pouring into others’.

Taking care of yourself sounds good, but putting it into action can be a challenge. Some of us have been looking out for everyone else for so long, we have no idea how to start putting ourselves first. Here are ten easy ways to start practicing self-care:

10 Easy Ways To Start Your Self-Care Journey

1. Make your body your temple.

You get out of life what you put into it. The same goes for your body. When we are stressed, we tend to eat the wrong things and neglect exercise. This will only compound your problems.

The first step in starting your self-care journey is to be mindful of how you feed yourself and what your body needs. Eat mostly nutrient-rich foods, stay hydrated, and squeeze in 30 minutes of exercise daily. Nobody’s perfect, but a little bit of change can go a long way.

2. Stay away from negativity.

Negative people are like a virus that spreads fast and furious, infecting everything they come into contact with. If you find yourself around anyone who bring bad vibes, it’s important to distance yourself from that person.

Protecting your peace and sanity requires blocking out any threats. Negativity can also come be way of news, social media, gossip blogs, and other mediums. Limit your exposure to anything and everything that does not enhance your positive energy.

3. Incorporate peace into your life.

There are several things that can be done to enhance your sense of inner peace. Meditation is the practice of using mindfulness to focus and achieve mental clarity. Calm and Headspace can help you learn to meditate.

Other activities such as journaling, yoga, or walking can help to maintain your mental and emotional wellbeing. You don’t have to walk alone. GirlTrek is an organization aimed at getting Black women moving together. There are also a number of yogis on YouTube to follow and learn from.

4. Take a break.

Sometimes you have to take a step back and recalibrate. The hustle and grind culture that so many of us have subscribed to has taken a big toll on our mental health. Gone are the days when you ignore your intuition and keep pushing.

Life can get overwhelming and it’s important that we know how to just say no. Take a day off from work or log out of your social media accounts. It’s okay to forego some of your obligations and pull yourself together. As long as you communicate your intentions, chill and heal.

5. Do what makes you happy.

We spend so much time doing what we have to do but so little time doing the things that we are most passionate about. Make time to do things that you truly enjoy.

Studies have shown that people who do what they love have lower stress levels, blood pressure, and heart rates, and are able to better regulate their moods. So doing whatever you please isn’t just about preference, your life literally depends on it.

6. Talk sexy to yourself.

One of the worst things you can do to yourself is engage in negative self-talk. It’s easy to be hard on yourself when you make a mistake or act in a way you wish you hadn’t. That hurtful conversation that is playing in your head will do more harm than good.

You are your own best and biggest advocate, so be accountable for your actions but forgive yourself quickly. Let go of guilt and other toxic emotions that do you no good and can manifest as self-doubt.

Instead, use inspirational and uplifting words that make you feel good when addressing or referencing yourself. If you don’t love you, why should anyone else?

7. Learn to let go.

Hanging on to feelings like guilt, hurt, and anger can be detrimental to you. It does no one any good to walk around in turmoil because of things that they don’t have the power to change.

We can’t control out pasts, nor can we foresee anything that will happen in the future. What we can do is live in the present, learning from our mistakes, letting go of ill will, and taking actions that will make our chances of success and happiness better.

8. Find your tribe and stay connected.

Surrounding yourself with authentic people who love and support you is imperative to the self-care process. While being a lone wolf might make you feel strong and empowered, being lonely can cause serious issues.

Social isolation has been linked to early death, depression, anxiety, an increased risk of dementia, and even suicide. The ‘no new friends’ era was ill-advised and is dying out, thankfully. Step outside of your comfort zone and meet new people who share your newfound zest for life.

9. Don’t compromise your boundaries or values.

A key aspect of self-care is setting boundaries and making sure that anyone you choose to have in your presence knows what they are and adheres to them. You have to be willing to let anyone who does not respect those limitations go.

Compromising the morals and values that are within you will definitely lead to regret, guilt, and even anger at yourself and the violator. Stick to your guns no matter who doesn’t like it. You’ll be happy you did.

10. Acknowledge and master your emotions.

Burying your feelings breeds toxicity, negativity, and dysfunction. Fear, anger, sadness, and other emotions are a part of life. It’s healthy to process them and express them in ways that benefit you. Every experience in life is a blessing or a lesson.

When you have sentiments that you’d rather avoid come up, let them out, analyze how you’re feeling by asking why, determine what actions you can take to overcome them, and let them go.

If you find that you are simply unable to move past those paralyzing feelings, seek help from a mental health professional. It is okay to not be okay. I am a strong believer in every person participating in continuous therapy because we all need a little tune-up once in a while.

Conclusion

Learning how to take care of yourself takes practice, especially if you are the go-to person that is everything to everybody. Prioritizing self may be a struggle at first, but as the weight of the world lifts off of your shoulders, you will become more and more comfortable and confident in loving yourself first.

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9 Steps To Start A New Career With No Experience No Matter How Old You Are

December 26, 2022December 28, 2022 NyRee Ausler

Whether you want to start a new career at 40, start a new career at 50, or just want to know how to do it with no experience, it is totally possible to switch careers and be a huge success.

In 2021, about 53% of workers made a career change or decided to start a new job. More and more people are asking themselves “How do I start a new career?”. The decision to change jobs is not an easy one and it requires much clarity and flexibility.

I have spent the last two decades working my way up the ladder as a professional in human resources while writing on the side. That career has sustained my lifestyle and provided for me, so I am extremely grateful.

But there has always been something missing. I knew I wanted to do something to help people but wasn’t sure I was doing it in a way that made me happy and fulfilled. Deep in my heart, I knew there was something that was perfect for me out there.

Sometimes, the universe sends you a sign and if you pay attention, it can change your life. In 2013, my husband took me on a getaway to Seaside, Oregon, a three-hour drive from our home at the time.

While we were there, for fun, we both got psychic readings. When it was my turn, the woman was adamant that I am a writer and should be writing. She told me that if I started writing, it would make way for everything I wanted in life.

Although skeptical about the psychic’s vision, I was impressed that she knew about my love of writing. Despite my doubts her words resonated with me and I self-published my first book in 2016. Since then, I have published several more and moonlighted as an author, writer, and blogger.

This year, after yet another unfulfilling role with another company that seemed ‘different’ turned out to be the same ‘ol, same ‘ol, I decided to step out on faith and finally give writing full-time a chance. Since then, life has changed dramatically and in the best ways possible, so, I want to share the details of my career transition.

Why do people choose to start a new career?

The most important thing to know about starting a new career is that no matter how old you are, it’s never too late to be what you’ve dreamed of being. Change can be scary but there are times when it is absolutely necessary.

You found your purpose or your passion.

Sometimes, it just dawns on you that you have found your calling. You know what excites you and makes you feel passionate and purposeful. This is a clear sign that you need to start a new job, strike out on your own, or figure out how to start a new career.

The money just isn’t worth it.

If you feel overworked and underpaid, it might be time to do something that is worthy of your hard work and time. On the other hand, maybe you are well-compensated, but just can’t get into the work you’re doing. It’s time to put your passion over profits.

You need to be challenged.

Boredom is a telltale sign you are in the wrong field. If you have learned all of the ins and outs of your role and nothing about it lights you up anymore, you need to dig deep and find out what makes you feel challenged and enthusiastic. You have hit the glass ceiling and you can break it or live in your purpose.

You need more autonomy.

Some jobs require step-by-step instructions and have strict time constraints around how and when they get done. If this is not your cup of tea and you are struggling to stay within those boundaries, it could be time for a change. There are many careers that offer more autonomy and control over your schedule.

You need a cultural change.

According to a 2018 jobs report from Career Cast, there are certain fields that are considered the worst to work in, with issues like low pay, toxic work environment, and no work/life balance. If your profession is traumatizing you, find out what brings you peace and joy and figure out how to change it.

You need to gain experience.

There are people who know exactly what it is they want to do with the rest of their lives. The missing piece to the puzzle is gaining experience in their new field of choice. That is a perfect time to make a move and discover new opportunities.

9 Steps You Need To Take To Start A New Career

Every person’s journey is different, but if you want to know how to start a new career with no experience at any age, some things are a must.

If you’ve asked yourself “What else can I do?” and received your answer, but have no idea where to start, This list of 10 steps you need to take to start a new career should help:

Get clear on what you want to do.

The most pertinent thing about changing careers is to have complete clarity on what you want to do. You should feel it deep inside of your soul. It should be something challenging, but rewarding that you would do, even if you weren’t being paid.

Be honest with yourself about your abilities.

Many things can be learned but before you set out on a learning path, you have to understand where your skills are at currently. Identify your strengths and weaknesses and write them down so you know what to work on.

Understand the financial impact.

If you switch careers or open your own business, there could be drastic financial changes in store. Be prepared with a savings to cover any shortfalls, if necessary. If that is not possible, you must create a budget and a plan for leaving your unrewarding job in pursuit of your life’s work.

Decide how you want to get paid to do what you love.

When we say ‘career change’ it can mean different things. You can be changing professions and employers, or you can start your very own business. There are benefits and challenges to both, so decide if you will work for others or be your own boss.

Learn new things to fill in any knowledge gaps.

What you choose to do next will require a different skill set and knowledge. You already know what you have. Research the skills required and create a learning path to gain any information you need to pursue your passion. Looking at job postings in your desired field can help determine what you are missing.

Start networking.

Now that you’ve taken inventory of your skills and filled the gaps, it’s time to try out your new field. Apply for jobs or send out proposals to prospective clients. Network with people already in the industry and leverage and learn from them whenever possible.

Be humble & open to new experiences.

Working your way toward the top of one field then deciding to go in a different direction can be jarring. You likely won’t get the same salary you had before when starting out. Read the room and set reasonable expectations. If you work hard and are passionate about your work, the money will come.

Stay curious & aware that you don’t know everything.

Doing what you love for a living doesn’t mean you shouldn’t aspire to be the very best at what you do. Know that there is always something new to learn. You can learn from anybody in the world, so be open-minded and accountable when you make a mistake.

Following your passion is still work. Treat it as such.

There will be days you don’t feel like working and times you want to give up. Loving what you do does not exclude you from exhaustion or burnout. Do what you must to be successful but remember that work/life balance and self-care should be first priority every single day.

Benefits of Starting A New Career

Since starting my full-time writing career, life has changed dramatically. I no longer wake up with a knot in the pit of my stomach, anxious about what the day may hold.

The autonomy offered by my new career affords me the time to take my kids to and from school and stay up late with my husband without feeling like I have to make a choice between my family and career.

But most importantly, I am doing what comes naturally to me and doing well at it. I have been more successful in my new full-time writing career than I ever could have imagined and strive to do even better. I feel good about the work I’m doing and feel like I am finally doing what I was created to do.

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How To Manifest A Better Life Than You Ever Thought Possible

November 2, 2022November 1, 2022 NyRee Ausler

Over the past few years, there has been no shortage of information floating around about the power of manifestation.

Some have been unlucky in love and are looking to find their soulmate, while others have done all they could to excel in their careers but have always found success and happiness just out of reach.

But what if you could use the Law of Attraction to manifest a better life than you ever thought possible?

Whether you are struggling with love, finances, family relationships, or health issues, learning how to manifest better things can help you get to where you want to be in life.

Manifestation used to be something that only a small subsection of the population talked about. It was not openly discussed and seemed to be one of those mystical things that eccentric free-spirited people believed in.

People that viewed themselves as logical and realistic dismissed the idea that we could manifest our own destinies as make-believe.

Then books like “The Secret” and “The Law of Attraction” by Abraham Hicks started to open the world’s eyes to the possibility that we are have the power to achieve our wildest dreams.

Manifestation happens when you have specific goals and use belief, visualization, affirmations and action to reach them.

It takes practice and dedication, but once mastered, can be the difference between falling short and finally getting the results you want.

To get started, let’s talk about exactly how to manifest a better life for yourself.

How to manifest a better life in 5 simple steps

1. Get specific about what you want.

When setting goals, it’s easy to be vague. Wishing to be rich or famous or to find love sounds good, but none of these pinpoint exactly what you want.

How rich is rich? Do you want to be movie star famous or social media influencer famous? Who are you hoping to find love with?

Everyone has their own unique idea about what would enhance their lives. What would constitute a better life for you?

Try being clear about your desires. If you want a million dollars, say that. If you need a supporting and healthy mate, set your sights on that. Rather than wishing for a promotion, go for the Director role.

Understand how reaching these milestones will change your life so you know the purpose behind your aspirations.

Write your ambitions down, along with the anticipated outcomes you desire, so you keep them top of mind.

2. Ask for what you want… and keep asking until you get it.

This is where the Law of Attraction comes in. It’s important that you request what you need from the universe.

How you ask for what you want is up to you. Some people pray on it. Others sit quietly and speak it into the air or meditate silently.

You can write it down or clip images that represent what you are striving for from magazines and paste them on a vision board.

However you choose to do it, you must visualize what you want and call it into existence daily.

3. Do your research, plan, and get organized.

There is an old saying that nothing comes to dreamers but dreams.

Manifesting is not just hoping and wishing. It requires an understanding of what is necessary from you to receive what you want. You must know what is stopping you from getting to where you should be and how to overcome those obstacles.

If you want to become a doctor but aren’t qualified, you need get an education. If you want to develop a healthier relationship with your spouse or kids, you may need to work on yourself.

Whatever it is that will help you get to your desired destination needs to be understood and documented.

Lay out the steps you need to take to do so and schedule your time to allow for them. Then organize anything related to your plan in an easily accessible location for reference.

Keep reading here for two other ways to manifest your best life.

This article was originally posted on YourTango.com.

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20 Signs Your Feminine Energy Is Blocked — And How To Fix It

November 1, 2022 NyRee Ausler

woman with blocked feminine energy. — Photo: Hector Roqueta / Shutterstock

Lately, I’ve been on a mission to tap in to my divine feminine energy and live the ‘softer life’. As part of my mission to protect my peace and yours, I have compiled a list of signs that your feminine energy is blocked.

Every person in the world has both feminine and masculine energies within them. The goal is to balance these competing energies.

Some people may have misconceptions about what feminine energy is. It isn’t pastel colors, rainbows, and frilly clothing. Feminine energy is the state of being compassionate and trusting your intuition.

Although being “feminine” has been seen as weak in a patriarchal society filled with toxic masculinity, it is the exact opposite. Understanding your life force and creating synergy between your masculine side and feminine characteristics can strengthen your communications and give you renewed perspective.

In today’s hustle culture, diffused awareness of feelings and competitiveness, a lot of women find it difficult to access their feminine sides because they rely so heavily on masculine traits to succeed.

But the ability to access your feminine traits is necessary for both men and women. And recognizing the signs that your feminine energy is blocked is important for your mental and emotional health.

What is wounded or blocked feminine energy?

Blocked feminine energy is what happens you are incapable of balancing your masculine and feminine sides.

Neglecting your divine feminine energy can leave you under stress, overwhelmed, feeling guilty, and out of touch with your true self.

Obstructed feminine energy can happen in the natural flow of life where you are required to use the masculine parts of your persona to get ahead.

To that end, some people strategically decide that the masculine is what they need to be present in the moment and have intentionally suppressed any signs of femininity.

In a society dominated by men, it is easy for women to mimic masculinity in an effort to achieve equality or a seat at the table. Success is seen as the ability to accumulate material things and the capacity to build a reputation as a hard worker or overachiever.

You have been conditioned to tune out your “soft” and “emotional” feminine energy in favor of masculine behavior.

But now that you have mastered getting in touch with your masculinity, it’s time to unblock the other side of you and allow yourself to radiate feminine energy.

20 Signs Your Feminine Energy Is Blocked

1. You have stopped taking care of yourself.

Femininity is soft, nurturing and gentle. If you have struggled with setting boundaries and neglected yourself in the process, your femininity may be blocked.

It’s time to learn to say “no” without feeling guilty. Relax and recharge without regret. Make self-care a habit, because who better to know what you need and take care of you than… you?

@modelpatty
How to unblock your feminine energy ✨🌸💖🎀 #feminineenergy #divinefeminine #divinesigns #fypsounds
♬ Under The Influence – Chris Brown

2. You think you can do it all.

Being feminine is about collaboration, sharing and diplomacy. Masculine energy needs to control, wants to lead and is more action-oriented than people-centered.

If you find yourself refusing to ask for help, even when you need it most, you need to give up control and let other people assist you. Free up some of your time and create new connections.

3. You see femininity as weak.

Some of us have been brainwashed by society to believe that feminine energy equates to inferiority or weakness. Because of the misinformation we were given, we try to display masculine traits.

It’s not your fault, but you do have the power to change your mindset. Being compassionate, empathetic and soft is necessary when navigating many of life’s challenges. Add them to your coping mechanisms.

4. Your intuition is off.

Most of what people do in the world is guided by intuition. Without it, you are left unable to trust your own thoughts and feelings. Feminine energy relies on intuition to help with decisions.

If you don’t feel like you can count on your intuition and tend to make decisions out of desperation or only use logic (not feelings) to make choices, your feminine energy could be blocked.

5. You’re always trying to prove yourself.

Masculinity focuses on competitiveness and the ability to prove oneself. If you find yourself constantly trying to show your worth through accomplishments, you may have blocked your feminine energy.

Femininity is based more on how you make people feel as opposed to what you did or said to them. It is supportive and wants everyone to win.

6. You’re always ‘on.’

Do you feel like you’re missing out on some important work you should be doing whenever you take time to just be? Do you feel like you’re racing against time and other people have time to waste?

Masculine energy is led by getting things done at all costs. Feminine energy is the need to take care of self and empower others by passing on opportunity instead of coveting it for yourself.

7. You feel more powerful when you act and feel masculine.

Women who have been taken advantage of, professionally or personally, in the past can develop a masculine shell that is hard to crack. They believe repressing their femininity is protection.

But protection isn’t just about guarding against external things. Femininity provides internal protection by allowing you to love and take care of yourself. A healthy mental and emotional state is the ultimate protection.

8. You’re not feeling sexy or sensual anymore.

Feminine sexiness or sensuality is not about sex, but more related to confidence and your sense of self. Like a pot of boiling water, it heats up over time, but once it’s boiling, it doesn’t stop until you remove it from the heat source.

Your feminine side is the source that powers the natural sensuality you bring. If you don’t feel sexy or sensual these days, your masculine traits could be overpowering your female energy.

9. You’re a magnet for effeminate men.

Do you always “wear the pants” in every romantic relationship you have? You may be attracting men who are more in tune with their own feminine energy and lack the masculinity needed to balance it.

Men who struggle with embracing their masculine energy are naturally attracted to women who have more than their fair share of “manly” qualities. The dynamic is dysfunctional and is not a recipe for success in your love life.

10. Most of your friends are men.

You know that girl, the one who is always hanging around the men and claims she just gets along better with them. Sometimes, it is assumed that she just wants to be the center of attention. This may not be true.

When your femininity is blocked, females and the womanly energy can make you uncomfortable. You have made masculinity your comfort zone. Spend time with empowered women to better understand and connect with your femininity.

Learn about the other 10 signs here.

This article was originally posted on YourTango.com.

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Protecting Your Peace: 8 Meaningful Ways to Invest In Yourself

October 12, 2022 NyRee Ausler

Last week, I attended a workshop on investing in yourself hosted by PWOCN, The Professional Women of Color Network. I came in expecting to get some financial investment tips and tricks and left with something much more meaningful.

The event speaker was Jolyn GC, “The First Lady of Leisure.” She is also the host of a YouTube Channel, The Come Up Series, where she teaches about building generational wealth through investing.

Jolyn shared her inspirational story of leaving her job as a criminal prosecutor to live the life she dreamed of. She explained her definition of living a life of leisure as having “opportunity afforded by free time.” That phrase has been stuck in my mind ever since.

The most valuable information for me came during the discussion on what investing in yourself actually means. As we went around the room, I was surprised to hear that no one was speaking about financial investments. Instead, the idea of ‘betting on you’ was about so much more than money.

With The Great Reshuffle in full swing and October 10th’s World Mental Health Day celebration, the discussion was timely and motivational. I thought I would share 8 meaningful ways to invest in yourself.

8 Meaningful Ways to Invest In Yourself

Know Who You Are

Imagine pulling out a roadmap to look for directions (I know… old school) and not having a destination. To know who you want to be and where you are going, you must start with who you are right now.

What are your strengths and weaknesses? Are there things about yourself that you don’t like and want to change? Do you have talents and ambitions that you are not using?

Do the work by analyzing yourself and your habits to identify areas for improvement and attributes you want to highlight.

Know Your Value

Now that you have taken inventory and know what you like about yourself and what you can leave behind, it’s time to advocate for yourself ruthlessly.

Every single skill that you have is valuable. Understanding what you bring to the table is important in making sure that you never allow yourself to be undervalued or taken advantage of.

Do your research and find out what people are paying for your type of expertise. Jolyn made a statement that resonated with me. She said, “You are the wealth.”

To me, that means you don’t work for free or for a discount unless you are volunteering. Your knowledge is your own asset and is worth the investment from anyone needing access to it.

Be In a Position to Add Value

Naturally, knowing who you are and being aware of the value you bring will highlight areas where you can increase that value.

Relationships, business and personal, are created based on need. Whether it is emotional, personal, or financial, everyone is getting something out of the relationships they choose to participate in.

You can add value by meeting a need for others. Maybe you have a business that sells products to solve a problem. Perhaps you provide a service that helps others. Understanding what value your unique abilities adds is pivotal in creating circumstances where others see and know your worth.

Learn Something New

Personal development is one of the best ways to invest in yourself. Have you identified gaps in your knowledge? Find courses that can fill them.

Knowing where you fall short is a powerful position to be in. With so many platforms available to give you free learning resources, everyone is capable of learning anything.

If your career or business idea requires certain knowledge, pursue it. You don’t have to be an expert in every subject that comes your way, but if it is vital to your success and aligns with your purpose, get the information you need.

Collaborate and Delegate

You cannot be everything to everyone. Knowing what should be passed off to someone else is as important as learning the things that you need to know when investing in yourself.

A new phrase I heard during the PWOCN workshop was “Village Technology”, which is not technology at all. It’s the idea of building a talented, collaborative community to lean on when you need to.

One of the biggest causes of burnout is the refusal to delegate. Surround yourself with people you can trust and depend on. Work together to get things done and give as much as you take.

Surround Yourself with Supportive People

Relationships are reciprocal. Even with parents and children, one gets the benefit of being loved, cared for, and supported, while the other hopes that the investment in their little one will pay off in the long run.

This isn’t just about financial support. Help can come in so many ways; a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, advice, resources, referrals, or simply showing up.

The only people that should be allowed into your presence are those who believe in you, love you, and support your vision. You become like the people you spend the most time with. Make sure the habits and mindset you pick up are positive and beneficial.

Create Circumstances in Which You Can Thrive

My favorite saying is, “If you don’t like where you are, leave. You’re not a tree.” Barring imprisonment, you have the freedom to only involve yourself in situations that serve you.

If you find that your home, workplace, or any other setting that you are showing up to is dragging you down and creating roadblocks, it’s time to let it go.

The Law of Attraction is the belief that you create your own reality. You speak things into existence. You surround yourself with circumstances that support your journey. Know how to leave the table when you are no longer being served.

The ability to thrive is dependent on your environment, valuing your time by not overcommitting, and protecting your energy by not taking on other people’s problems or negativity.

Speak up when you are bothered or uncomfortable. Learn to say no without guilt or explanation. Support others in a way that does not compromise you, your morals, or your goals.

Avoid Negative Self-Talk

Who better to speak life into you than you? How you talk to yourself is a strong indicator of how you see yourself and how the world will view you.

The way you communicate with yourself can either sabotage or support your goals. Positive self-talk can build self-confidence, help you cope with life’s struggles, and supports your mental health and well-being.

If you happen to start talking negatively to yourself, ask if it is helpful. If not, redirect your thoughts. If you are having difficulty changing those detrimental thoughts, reach out to a mental health professional.

Conclusion

Sure, investing in yourself is about money and the freedom to live the life that you deserve. It’s about building wealth and knowledge that can pass from generation to generation and bridge the financial gap for people of color.

But more importantly, investing in yourself is about setting up the right circumstances for growth and abundance. Doing what you love to the best of your ability, having a network of like-minded and supportive people, and speaking life into yourself is a recipe for financial empowerment and stability.

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Before You Quit Your Job, Try This!

April 27, 2022 NyRee Ausler

We’ve all been there; the job is working your very last nerves. There is too much work to do and too little time to do it. On top of that, you have no time to spend with your family and friends and your social life sucks. It’s not just you. Over the last couple of years, many people I know have walked away from “good” jobs in pursuit of self-care, personal peace, and mental stability, myself included. In fact, The Mayo Clinic has identified “burnout” as one of the primary causes of workers leaving organizations. The lack of work-life balance, combined with impossible expectations, isolation, lack of autonomy, and chaotic office environments has been too much to bear for some, while others have decided to stick around, hoping for change. If you are part of the latter, keep reading for three ways to keep your job while maintaining your sanity.

Ease into your day. In the fast-paced world of work, stepping into the office usually kicks off a tornado of activity where everything seems like a priority. Without proper time to prepare for your day, before you know it, stress, anxiety, and frustration can overcome you, curbing your enthusiasm and making you less efficient. Instead of creating a whirlwind of action, decide what must be done today by spending the first hour of your day reviewing emails, deadlines, and deliverables. Be realistic. Do not overextend yourself. Once you have a clear plan, get to work on the top priority items and if you have time left in your regular workday, tackle some of the tasks that are lower on your list. Interruptions and impromptu requests will come. Be prepared to say no to anything, barring an emergency that will keep you at work past quitting time. According to this Health Guide article, setting boundaries and learning to say no are two of the many ways to prioritize your mental health on the job.

Hang out with your colleagues. Anyone that knows me is well-aware of my history of apprehension about fraternizing with co-workers. Over the years, I learned that being antisocial in the workplace worked to my detriment. With so many studies done on the impact of isolation at work, it is no wonder inclusion is often paired with diversity and equity when leadership attempts to improve the employee experience. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs lists Love and Belonging as number three in the five-tier model of human needs. This sense of acceptance is so important, that it falls just behind physiological needs such as food and clothing, and safety requirements. Instead of working in your own silo, invite a co-worker to lunch or to happy hour after work. If that is a big ask for your personality, try small talk at the water cooler. Interacting with others can break up the monotony of the day and build a support system. You don’t have to become besties with the people at work, but forming meaningful and authentic relationships in the workplace is something we should all strive for.

Find new ways to do old things. A lack of control over the work you do can leave you feeling powerless and bored. The fifth item in Maslow’s Hierarchy is self-actualization. This is defined as the desire to reach one’s full potential, to grow and learn as much as possible. Discovering ways to be autonomous within the boundaries of your role can create a new appreciation for your work, provide fresh challenges to overcome, and give you a sense of pride in your accomplishments. Getting your creative juices flowing will breathe new life into an otherwise mundane task.

Trying these steps before deciding to move on could be a recipe for success in your current role. That said, there are some jobs that are just crappy. Know the difference. If the work itself is burning you out, implementing the practices can help. However, if your employer is just toxic and the culture doesn’t align with your morals and values, perhaps it’s time to move on after all.

NyRee Ausler

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Black Women at Work: What Employers Can Learn from What Happened to Mo’Nique

April 7, 2022April 27, 2022 NyRee Ausler

Photo Cred: People.com – Lee Daniels and Mo’Nique

Unless you have been living under a rock for the past several years, you have heard something about the disagreement between the Comedienne, Mo’Nique, Oprah Winfrey, Lee Daniels, and Tyler Perry. I am going to focus mostly on Lee Daniels, as he was the most vocal in impacting public perception of the actress/comedienne.

Mo’Nique starred in the 2009 film, Precious, alongside Gabourey Sidibe. I will not go into the details of the movie since the trailer is linked, but to make a long story short, Mo’Nique was paid $50,000 for the role. At the time, no one had any idea that Precious would turn out to be an epic success, eventually winning the star an Emmy. As the buzz spread around the world, Mo’Nique was asked to travel far and wide to promote the movie. None of these responsibilities were included in her original contract and Lee Daniels, the film’s Producer, neglected to offer any compensation for the change in the scope of her work.

The actress refused to do additional work that she was not being compensated for and was immediately labeled “hard to work with”, “bitter”, and “angry”. Eventually, these stereotypes placed on her led to her being blackballed from the film industry for the last twelve years. To add insult to injury, when Steve Harvey invited her on his show to discuss that matter, he chastised her about how she addressed the matter, belittled her, and minimized her complaints. Mo’Nique’s words fell on deaf ears as public opinion had been formed based on the misinformation primarily pushed by Lee Daniels. Mo’Nique had her career stripped away in the blink of an eye for demanding to be paid for the work she was expected to do. Her “attitude” and her mouth were blamed for the loss of her livelihood.

Most people would have crawled in a hole and wallowed in self-pity, but not Mo’Nique. Now she was truly angry. That’s the thing; Black women at work are often treated in a way that would logically make any human being upset. When we finally do get mad, the bias is confirmed and the narrative set. In 2020, Mo’Nique filed a discrimination lawsuit against Netflix. Mo’Nique had been offered $500,000 for a comedy special on the streaming platform, while her white counterpart, Amy Schumer had been offered $11 million. In addition, Chris Rock and Dave Chapelle had received $40 million and $60 million respectively for their own specials. Mo’Nique believed that she had been underpaid due to both her race and gender. Prior to filing the lawsuit, Mo’Nique attempted to renegotiate the deal and was denied the opportunity. The case is still pending with the last update in 2020; Netflix attempted to dismiss the case and was denied.

Fast forward to early 2022. Mo’Nique gained an unlikely ally in the rapper and TV producer, 50 Cent, who is currently on a high in Hollywood due to the success of his hit show, Power. 50 happened to see Mo’Nique’s stand-up show on Super Bowl weekend and was so impressed by her that he vowed to put her back on top and reconcile the fractured relationships with Lee Daniels, Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey.

Apparently, 50 Cent’s voice carries weight because after twelve long years, Lee Daniels showed up to her comedy show in Staten Island, New York to apologize. He admitted to blackballing Mo’Nique and corroborated her story. After over a decade of being called a liar and constantly victim-shamed, her experience had been validated. The negative words commonly associated with Black women that refuse to stay ‘in their place’ had disappeared. Mo’Nique had won. But in a show of absolute humility, she immediately accepted Lee’s apology and hugged him. I applaud her for that because I am not sure how many people would have been so receptive after what had happened to her. As a show of good faith, Lee cast Mo’Nique in his upcoming Netflix film, Demon House, giving her the first appearance there since she filed the lawsuit against them.

Mo’Nique was validated and celebrated. Watching her win back everything she had lost was emotional for me because I know so many Black women that never get that chance. Most end up rebuilding their confidence and personal brand over several years with no admission of wrongdoing from an employer and with no powerful ally willing to vouch for them publicly. This situation eventually worked out, but many of us are still giving Lee Daniels the side-eye. It’s a shame that it took another powerful man to finally get him to do the right thing. Because of that I have to question his authenticity, but there are a few lessons employers can take from this situation:

Pay employees for all the work they do – If the scope of a job changes, compensate your employees for the additional work they are doing. According to this Gallup poll, in 2018, 43% of employees believed they were overworked and underpaid. With the Great Resignation in full swing and many Gen Z and Millennial workers willing to jump ship if they are not appreciated, pay and equity are crucial in retaining good employees and maintaining the stability of your organization.

nationalparternship.org – Black Women & the Wage Gap

Believe Black women – More often than not Black women in the workplace are put in a position of being both the victim and the advocate when treated unfairly at work. At first, they report an incident or pattern of behavior. Next, they are disbelieved and forced to advocate for themselves. Eventually, they are labeled “angry” or “difficult” because they refused to back down. In this Harvard Business Review article, the following paragraph stands out for me:

Do the right thing… Even when no one is watching – It should not take over a decade for an employer to admit they are wrong. In fact, covering up the mistreatment of an employee should never occur. On one hand, most employers get away with it on the surface. On the other hand, other employees are watching and taking notes on how you treat people that work for you. They are fully aware and will be much more prepared when it is their turn to address an issue. A testament to this is that over half of American workers do not trust their employers when reporting workplace issues. Treating everyone at your organization with respect and dignity allows space to work issues out confidentially, avoids legal proceedings and EEOC complaints, and most importantly, signal to others that you are truly a good person, even behind closed doors.

Do not make assumptions – I can already hear some of you saying, “But all of the participants in this story are Black, so Mo’Nique couldn’t have been discriminated against.” I know it seems like a logical argument… if you are not familiar with internalized racism/oppression. To sum it up, those suffering from this affliction have a desire to distance themselves from their own race, so adapt the same stereotypes and racist practices as those of oppressors. They tend to view themselves as “one of the good ones” and have a strong desire to be accepted by the majority. The fact that two people are of the same race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, etc., does not make it impossible for one of them to discriminate against the other.

Like many other Black women watching, I am happy to see Mo’Nique finally getting the apology and opportunity she deserves. On the flip side, I am skeptical (but hopeful) about the authenticity of the reconciliation. In the end, I would love to see those in control of our livelihoods take heed and do much, much better than Lee Daniels did in relation to Mo’Nique.

NyRee Ausler

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Protecting Your Peace: Setting Healthy Boundaries and Building Quality Relationships

February 10, 2022April 27, 2022 NyRee Ausler

I’m a nurturer and a fixer. I always have been. Over the years people around me have come to know me in that way. I wore it like a badge of honor. If there was a problem that needed solving, I jumped right in and took it on as my own. If someone was in financial trouble, I was the first person they called. I was unofficially in charge of keeping my extended family connected. But my responsibilities didn’t stop there. At work, if I believed someone was being treated unfairly, I intervened. It didn’t matter what the cost was to me and my career. I felt I was strong and had a duty to stand up for those that could not advocate for themselves.

Then 2020 came. I was overworked in a job that took a lot with little reward. Covid was running rampant and my nine and eleven year old were doing online school. After managing kids all day, dedicating up to sixteen hours to my career, and attempting to carve out time to connect with my husband, I had nothing left to give. Still, when family, friends, and associates reached out in need of help, I sprang into action, providing advice, encouragement, and financial support.

I looked in the mirror and saw bags forming under my eyes, had trouble sleeping, and really felt like something was missing in my life. I was angry and negative. I believed I had been used by everyone and that they needed to pay for taking me for granted. I stayed in that negative space for months. Then at the end of 2021, it hit me. What was missing in my life was me. I had been so wrapped up taking care of people and in how I was perceived by others that I had neglected my own self-care and ignored that little voice inside me telling me I was doing it wrong.

I began to focus on myself and what made me happy. I’ve often told others that when a plane is going down, the flight attendants tell adults to put their oxygen masks on before helping their kids. Unfortunately, I found myself not practicing what I preach. Some changes needed to be made. I started thinking about what I wanted out of relationships versus what I was getting out of relationships. From there I came up with a list of relationship characteristics that will ensure I am creating healthy boundaries and being supported in the same way I support others:

We show up for one another personally and professionally – Everyone needs someone for something from time to time. Being the go-to person around the clock is exhausting. Make sure the the relationships you are in are recipricol. Connecting with people should be about give and take. Whether you need advice or just to vent, there should be people in your life that are available to you.
We check on one another – You should not always be the first to reach out when you haven’t heard from someone in a while. Relationships that only survive due to a one-sided effort are not worth it. Form authentic connections with people that care aout you and your wellbeing and exhibit that through actions.
We share information and resources – Nothing is worse than a friend who tells you all about their successes in life but intentionally withholds information that can help you in your quest for greatness. Surround yourself with people who want to see everyone around them win. Crabs-in-a-barrel mentalities are a recipe for dysfunctional relationships. There is enough room at the table for everyone to eat. Make sure everyone you align yourself with shares that belief.
We speak life into one another – There are two kinds of people in this world; those that kick you when you are down and those that reach down and lift you up. I prefer the latter. You should be able to talk about your mistakes and failures without the people that proport to love you piling on. Associate with those that offset your negative feelings with words of affirmation.
We are honest and authentic – While speaking life into friends and family is important, it is equally imperative that we tell them when they are in the wrong. Transparent, respectful dialog is key to healthy relationships. Criticism should be constructive and not belittling. Be specific when giving negative feedback and provide achievable solutions. When criticizing others, act with empathy and tact and do it privately. Speak up when you feel slighted. Even with the best intentions, some will take offense and tune you out. Those people just may not be your people and that’s okay.
We support without gossiping – Friends and family share their deepest darkest secrets. A lot of the times, it’s either implied that the conversation should stay private or said outright. That doesn’t stop the person on the receiving end from sharing with a significant other or heading over to a different circle of friends to share the juicy details. The practice is hurtful, disrespectful and disengenuous. Keeping confidence is a rare commodity these days. Be that human being that others can trust and make sure the people you are venting to are ethically sound.
We celebrate wins together – There are some people in this world that will compare every success you achieve to their position in life. They secretly despise you, while smiling in your face and hoping to outdo you. I have never understood this mindset. I love having people that inspire me in my presence. There is a saying, “If you’re the biggest fish in the pond, find a bigger pond.” Be in the company of people that love to see you prosper and be willing to drop anyone plotting on your downfall.
We take accountability, learn, and grow – The most important thing you can do for everyone in your orbit is acknowledge when you are wrong. Many people struggle with this. I have in my younger days. As I’ve grown, I’ve learned that taking accountability and apologizing when I am at fault frees me from the burden and gives the other party permission to forgive. I’ve seen many relationships crumble as too many things were left unsaid and unacknowledged. Get the elephant out of the room and communicate so everyone can learn and grow from life’s lessons.

I once saw a meme advising to stay away from “still” people. Still complaining. Still broken. Still jealous. Still not growing. Still living in the past. Still making excuses. Birds of a feather flock together and if you continue to keep negativity in your world, it’s sure to rub off on you.

Applying these rules to every relationship I have has been life-changing. Removing takers and negative people from my life has changed everything. I no longer carry burdens that do not belong to me. I take care of my needs first, filling my cup so I have something to pour into those that deserve it. Life is to be lived and I am intent on living my best life.

NyRee Ausler

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The Curious Case of Kanye: Why His Problems Have Nothing To Do With Black Women

February 6, 2022April 27, 2022 NyRee Ausler

Another day… another prominent Black man is using his blackness to garner support from Black women. Let me start by saying that I have no problem whatsoever with interracial relationships. I believe that all human beings are entitled to and should love who they love. I do have a problem with Black people justifying their self-worth by their proximity to whiteness. In addition, nothing bothers me more than those same Black people getting shunned by the white people they have aligned themselves with and returning to the Black community for support in their self-imposed plight.

I remember when Kanye West first hit the scene with his College Dropout album. He was raw and gritty, from the streets of Chicago, had just survived a terrible car accident that inspired his debut single, Through the Wire, and had been raised by his mother, Donda West, for whom he had the utmost love and respect. We could relate, as most of us had been through or knew someone who had experienced some aspect of his life. He was the ultimate story of overcoming. Black women’s reverence for him was further solidified when he dropped his single with Jamie Foxx, Gold Digger. One verse, in particular, caught fire:

“So you stick by his side.
I know there’s dudes ballin’, and yeah, that’s nice.
And they gonna keep callin’ and tryin’, but you stay right, girl,
And when you get on, he leave yo’ ass for a white girl.”

I couldn’t personally relate to the lyrics and could not have cared less who any man chose but knew this was a strong narrative circulating amongst Black women. The belief that some Black men would stay with us while they struggled, using our loyalty to grow and flourish, then move on to white women when success hit was hurtful to many. Kanye understood. He, too, could relate. He put Black women’s pain to pen and paper and hit a gold mine. I was skeptical, as I knew the history of people using Black pain and suffering for profit.

As the years went on, Kanye seemed to change. He lost his mother, married, and created a family with Kim Kardashian, appearing to have followed the blueprint he laid out in Gold Digger. His supposed slap-in-the-face of Black women was the catalyst for Poet, Jasmine Man’s 2015 poem, Footnotes for Kanye. As the years went on, we watched him spiral into an abyss of perceived anti-blackness. He allowed his wife to repeatedly appropriate Black hairstyles, mimicking and exploiting the aesthetics of Black women. He supported Donald Trump, who publicly and aggressively sought to disenfranchise Black voters among many other terrible things. And let’s not forget the “Slavery was a choice” thing. Over the years, Kanye has successfully dismantled his reputation in many circles of black people unapologetically.

Fast forward to today. Kanye is in the midst of a messy divorce from Kim Kardashian. His unstable behavior over several years had led to the decline of his marriage. Last year we watched as he begged his wife to take him back. She seems to have ignored his pleas and since then, we have seen him publicize his co-parenting drama time and time again. Then today, Kanye issued the following statement on Instagram:

Divorce and co-parenting problems are not new or exclusive to Kanye West. With almost half of marriages ending in divorce, it’s entirely possible that many of us have experienced the same. Expressing one’s feelings on social media is the new norm. Although not ideal, many people do it to gain support, get sympathy, or simply to vent. But something about this post really bothered me.

The use of the word “BLACK” and the context it was used in feel inauthentic and in my opinion, take away from the real problems that Black people experience. In the first instance, Kanye talks about claims that he put a hit on Kim and how easily these false accusations can impact the lives of Black men. You have to be living under a rock to not understand the impact of police brutality on the Black community and the frequency of Black men being locked up, based solely on the testimony of white women. Although this is a valid concern, I believe Kanye is bringing it up to exploit the emotions that Black women feel when confronted with racism and injustice against Black men. It’s common knowledge that Black women are at the forefront of the fight for racial justice. He knows that and is using that for his own personal benefit, whether warranted or not.

In the second instance, Kanye uses the word “BLACK” in reference to his children, implying the need to protect them. Black women have a history of being viewed as nurturers and living up to that stereotype. Whether being forced to care for the families and nurse the children of slaveowners while ours went neglected, and even feeding our broken and battered men from our breasts when they were deprived of food or the expectation that we are the empathetic caretakers in the organizations, Black women are often given everyone’s burden to carry. When it comes to children, especially Black children, our natural inclination is to protect them from the unique dangers they face in this world. As the son of a Black mother, Kanye gets this. Instead of dealing with his marital woes like a man, he is using his platform to lay his problems at the feet of black women. Words have power and he is yielding that power to play on our emotions.

As a man with the resources needed for whatever legal custody battles he faces and undoubtedly, a team of “yes” men and women surrounding him, ready to jump at his every beck and call, there is no financial support that we can provide him in his time of need. But that’s not what he is looking for. What he needs is our anger, our empathy, our maternal instincts toward his Black children. Kanye wants to win in the court of public opinion and he wants to enlist the help of Black women to wage emotional warfare on his soon-to-be ex-wife. Make no mistake about it. There are some of us that have already internalized his plight and decided that we are ready to get in the trenches to protect this man against the racial injustice he is apparently facing. I am not one of those women and you should not be.

In recent times, self-care has become a 10 billion dollar industry, buoyed by the realization of Black women that our first obligation is to ourselves. We have awakened to the idea that it is not our job to save every Black man that needs saving. Kanye cannot launch a successful career off the backs of black people, say and do hurtful things to those same people, and return to them for support when it’s convenient. He made the decisions that he felt were best for his life and career and has to lie in the bed he made. Most of us get it and take the situation and his obvious pandering to Black women for what it is… gaslighting. My hope for all of us is that we save our energy for those that deserve it and live up to the responsibility they hold as influencers. Let’s prioritize ourselves and ignore the chatter. Don’t be sucked into situations that do not involve you, protect your energy, and certainly do not allow toxic and conniving men of any race to use your Black Girl Magic reserves to fill their cups while leaving your tank on empty.

Here is a list of 9 ways to practice self-care from Essence Magazine.

“I don’t have to go around trying to save everybody anymore; that’s not my job.” ~Jada Pinkett-Smith

NyRee Ausler

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Protecting Your Peace In 2022: 10 Ways to Prevent Burnout

January 14, 2022 NyRee Ausler

For years, some of us have been taking steps to build our careers while also taking care of our families and finding the time to pursue our passions. The journey has led to exhilarating highs and the lowest of lows. Making sure to meet and exceed expectations at work, at home, and within can lead to extreme burnout, especially when success is achieved in each area.

Burnout can leave you feeling tired, resentful, and can even paralyze your progress, causing you to fail in important areas of life. Recognizing the early signs of burnout is imperative to assessing your work/life balance and setting priorities.

Success is a double-edged sword. Most people find it difficult to practice self-care when they are riding high on success or pursuing it. Forming healthy self-care habits can help stay ahead of potential problems. Allocating time to do the things you love is one of the best things you can do to keep burnout at bay. That’s why I’ve decided to create a Protecting Your Peace in 2022 blog series. I want to remind all of us grinding and hustling for success to make ourselves the priority. Here are 10 ways to prevent burnout this year:

Be on the lookout for warning signs. Burnout affects people in different ways. Maybe you are feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and are lacking the energy necessary to perform your work. Or perhaps you feel sad and stressed out, unable to sleep due to worry or the inability to shut your mind down. There are also physical signs to be aware of. Some that I have personally experienced are blurred vision, headache, and sensitive eyes. This came from spending hours on end in front of the computer for an extended amount of time and neglecting breaks. Whatever negative impact you are experiencing, these are clear signals that you need to stop and assess the impact the daily grind is having on you.

Take regular breaks. One thing that I have let go of this year is the need to prove my value by overworking and skipping breaks. Any time I’m feeling overwhelmed, stuck or just need to take my mind off of working briefly, I just do it. A 15-20 minute break can make all the difference between being your most productive and spinning in place. When you feel burnout creeping up, take a break and rest, go for a walk, or do something you truly enjoy. Giving yourself time to clear your mind is key for your health and well-being.

Find a consistent sleep pattern. Studies show that people who do not get enough sleep each night are more likely to burn out. If you find yourself falling asleep at your desk, unable to focus, lacking concentration, or routinely suffering from headaches, it may be time to adjust your sleep schedule. Everyone varies in how much rest they need on a daily basis, but most experts agree that 6-8 hours is the minimum amount of sleep necessary to function in a healthy way. Going to sleep and waking up around the same time everyday creates consistency in your body and reduces the stress of having to constantly adjust to changes in your sleep pattern.

Make regular exercise an essential part of your life. Regular exercise reduces stress and increases energy. With many of us juggling so many things in life, working out can seem like an inconvenient chore. However, the benefits of routinely raising your heart rate and working your muscles is immeasurable. It does not have to be strenuous exercise. Whether you are taking a brisk walk, raising your desk to stand for portions of your day, or just stretching, it all counts! Since adding a brief workout to my everyday routine, I have noticed less stress equating to less exhaustion and headaches.

Set goals and take action. In order to get to your destination, you need direction. Establish goals and take some action in pursuit of them each day. Knowing exactly what you’re working toward makes it easier to get your day started. I set daily goals that roll into larger goals that happen over time. Once I meet the day-to-day goals I have set, I give myself permission to stop working. I intend to meet those self-imposed obligations each day, but from time to time, things come up and I can’t. In those cases, I move the goal forward to the next day, forgive myself from the miss and still prioritize my rest and rejuvenation.

Don’t try to do it all. Being a one-person operation can be overwhelming. I used to believe that unless I did something, it would not be done right. By changing my mindset to vetting, trusting, then verifying, I have been able to release some of the pressure I had created for myself. No one is expected to know and be everything. It is okay to delegate to coworkers, hire an assistant, find a nanny, or pay for a cleaning service. Trusting someone else to help with your workload will free up time for taking care of yourself. It will also help you think more clearly and creatively. Never feel guilty for making free time a priority. Allowing time to just be is as important to your success as hard work and discipline are.

Identify the problem and fix it. If you have already exhibited signs of burnout, knowing what to do about it is the logical next step. You need to take some time to reflect on what is creating the feeling. Is it your work? Do you need additional training? Is your job impossible for one person to perform? Do you need to move on? Is your family life filled with drama? Are you suffering from illness? Once you know exactly what is ailing you, the necessary solutions will begin to present themselves and you can take action to heal.

Go on a vacation. Fun doesn’t have to be expensive. A change of scenery may be just what you need to restart your engine. Plan a trip by yourself or with people that you enjoy being with. Go for some fresh air, shut out any responsibilities, dance, eat, sit on the beach, and return feeling refreshed. Whether you take a simple road trip or hop on an international flight, dedicate the time to being in the moment and temporarily letting your worries vanish.

Self-care should be ongoing. Some of us wait until burnout arises to decide on practicing self-care but recharging your battery should not only happen when it’s dead. You don’t just wait until your car has a problem before you take it in to the dealership. Preventative measures are taken to keep mechanical failures away. Think of yourself as a high-end car. You need routine maintenance to stay strong and healthy, regular analysis to detect any potential issues, and the tools on hand to fix those troubles.

Establish boundaries. Over the years, I have inadvertently developed a caretaker persona the extends from my personal life into my career and entrepreneurial ventures. Part of this has been giving to others when I had nothing to give to myself and allowing people to use my time and resources without consideration of the impact on me. Making people around you aware of your boundaries and enforcing them is the biggest thing you can do to protect your peace. In the workplace, let leadership and your colleagues know that you are not working around the clock. You deserve to have set expectations surrounding work/life balance. In your personal life, stop letting your family and friends come to you repeatedly with the same issues. There’s a thin line between being of service and enabling problematic behavior.

Being successful is not about doing whatever you are asked no matter the consequences on your mental, physical and emotional health. Success is about making sure you have the time to do what is important to you and ensuring that you have a healthy and balanced life inside and outside of the workplace. Implement some of these tips into your life and see the positive changes unfold.

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Today is the First Day of Kwaanza: 7 Reasons To Celebrate

December 26, 2021 NyRee Ausler

Several years ago, a colleague walked up to me and started firing off questions about Kwaanza. As the only black person working in the office, she assumed I would have in-depth knowledge of the holiday. I didn’t know whether I should be offended by the assumption or embarrassed that I knew absolutely nothing about it. Either way, I decided to do my research to enlighten myself about the meaning of the celebration.

Kwaanza is a secular holiday that takes place annually over seven days from December 26th to January 1st. It was started in 1966 by Maulana Karenga, an African-American Studies Professor, specializing in Pan-Africanism, in response to the Watts Riots. The goal of the Kwaanza celebration, according to Karenga, was to “Give Blacks an alternative to the existing holiday and give Blacks an opportunity to celebrate themselves and their history, rather than simply imitate the practice of the dominant society.” Originally thought of as a replacement for Christmas, which Karenga deemed a “white holiday”, many now celebrate Kwaanza alongside Christmas. Karenga believed that celebrating African cultural norms that pre-dated American slavery was a natural part of our evolution a necessary tie back to our stolen history.

Pan-African Flag – Photo Cred: Shutterstock

Kwaanza is a Swahili word meaning “first fruit”. It originated from the Nguni people of South Africa and the ceremony was a sacrifice of the first fruits of the harvest to God(s), who they believed was responsible for the abundance of food. It symbolized a time of prosperity after the agricultural season. Kwaanza is represented by the Pan-African colors; red, green, and black (yellow is often incorporated as well). The rituals performed during the holiday promote African tradition and are based around Nguzo Saba, the “seven principles of African Heritage”. The seven principles are represented by the Kinara, a candleholder with seven red, black and green candles. Each day one is lit until all have been used. Whatever your personal beliefs, there is no downside to implementing this celebration for your family. Personally, I try to practice these year-round but having a focused celebration on the importance of each is an excellent way to keep your family moving in the right direction. The thought of starting something new can be daunting, so to simplify, I have listed the seven principles below, along with how my family aspires to celebrate each:

Umoja (Unity)—To strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation, and race. On Day One, December 26th, my family takes part in a game day where we play games that require us to work together. In addition, we talk about struggles and either listen or offer suggestions to overcome them.
Kujichagulia (Self-determination)—To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves, and speak for ourselves. On this day, December 27th, we take the time to write down words that represent who we are and how we want the world to see us. This includes listing what is important to us, what he have learned and done in the current year and what we would like to achieve in the upcoming year.
Ujima (Collective work and responsibility)—To build and maintain our community together and make our brother’s and sister’s problems our problems and to solve them together. Day Three is a continuation of Day Two; today we review the the self-determination items and collectively come up with ideas to help one another. We brainstorm ways that we can help each other reach the goals for the upcoming years.
Ujamaa (Cooperative economics)—To build and maintain our own stores, shops, and other businesses and to profit from them together. My household family is full of creatives; I write and create/sell products, my husband is a filmmaker/producer and videographer, my twelve-year-old is a YouTuber and my 10-year-old is a avid TikToker. In addition to their regular jobs, my grown children make music. On Day Four of Kwaanza, we spend time generating ideas, timelines and even working on projects for our collective businesses. The goal is to spend at least an hour focused on each individual’s ventures. In addition, we go over topics like, building credit, financial responsibility, wealthbuilding, equity, and provide funding for everyone to make a small stock purchase.
Nia (Purpose)—To make our collective vocation the building and development of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness. Day Five is all about learning. With our goals and business ideas fresh in our minds, we focus on books, videos, and any other learning materials that can be beneficial in our success. Even whe nothing directly correlates, we spend the day reading, writing or watching movies related to our history or of eductional value.
Kuumba (Creativity)—To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it. Day Six, the last day of December and of the year, we focus on giving back. We either go clean up an area in need or prepare and hand out post-holiday meals to those in need.
Imani (faith)—To believe with all our heart in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders, and the righteousness and victory of our struggle. My family likes to start Day Seven, the final day of Kwaanza and the first day of the new year, by either listening to positive affirmations or reciting our own. We believe that faith and the Law of Attraction go hand-in-hand. What we believe, we will achieve. We end this day with gratitude by delivering gifts to our parents and elders who have been supportive and influential in our lives.

Food, of course is a staple throughout the entire celebration especially on the final day of celebration. On January 1st, we prepare a meal consisting of traditional soul food such as ox tails, greens, dressing, jambalaya, and cornbread, combined with some of our favorite Ethiopian recipes such as lamb dishes, veggie platter, including Shiro Wot and Misir Wot. Each year, we plan to add a new African recipe to our feast. These meals are included in our New Year’s Day gift deliveries.

With a global pandemic in full swing, violence at an all-time high, and mental health issues becoming more commonplace, any reason to keep family close, build together and support one another is a welcome reprieve. Whether you take some of my ideas or come up with your own unique ways of celebrating, incorporating these tenets can be the start of an epic 2022. Start small with just you and your household. From there, you can start to include more family members and create meaningful and beneficial experiences for all. Happy Kwaanza and a blessed and fruitful New Year to you and yours!

Thoughts, Theories and Theatrics Blog

The Inclusion Illusion: Black Women Are Opting Out of Corporate America

November 3, 2021 NyRee Ausler

Last night I dreamed that my teeth were falling out. The dream was so vivid that when I woke up, I ran to the bathroom fully expecting to see nothing but gums when I opened my mouth. This prompted me to search do a quick Google search for the interpretation of this dream. I came across a post by Delta Dental. To summarize, this dream is associated with starting anew and insecurities surrounding embarking on an unfamiliar path. The dream analysis seemed to represent exactly where I am in life.

I always felt smart. I read early, got good grades, and when I finally took my first job in Payroll and Human Resources, I expected to work hard and climb the ranks to the top of my field where I could really make an impact. I did my part; I worked hard, learned something new when I identified an area where I was lacking, and always worked well above my title and pay to prove I had what it took to be promoted. In my naivety, I believed that the playing field was even and that everyone that worked hard would be rewarded. The truth hit me like a ton of bricks.

I first became aware that I was held to a different standard than my colleagues in my early twenties. I was working a hybrid role as a Human Resources and Payroll Specialist. I caught on quickly and was “rewarded” with more work but my title and pay remained the same. The company grew and decided they needed a manager in my department. Although doing the exact work for over a year and receiving accolades, I applied for the role. I was overlooked and someone with less experience was hired into the role. After it was decided that they could not keep up with the workload, the organization came back to ask if I was interested. I wasn’t so I moved on.

That was not a unique situation. My career progression has come at a staggering cost. Many times, the only way I could be promoted was to apply for a new job. I always hoped that new leadership would see my value and give me the opportunities I worked so hard for. I cannot think of a time where that was the case. My leveling up has always been a hard-fought battle, leaving a bad taste in both mine and my employer’s mouths. They believed I should just be grateful to work for them while I believed I should not have to work two times as hard as my peers in order to be valued.

The beginning of the end of my Payroll and Human resources career came this year. I came into an organization because I believed the CEO was a true ally. This time would be different; he understood the plight of black women in the workplace and was doing something about the inequality, or so I thought. After a year and a half of working at a Director level while being paid and titled as a Manager, I left the company. Right after leaving, I heard the CEO discussing issues such as mine on a podcast and decided to reach out on LinkedIn. I believed that by sharing my experience, I could help to make the company a better place for those that came after me. I thought he cared and would appreciate my insight. Instead of simply thanking me for my feedback, I was given first-hand experience with performative allyship. Although proclaiming his support publicly, this leader became defensive, even going as far as to blame me for the experience (more on this in my upcoming book, The Inclusion Illusion). The experience was so shocking and traumatic that I spoke with the company’s legal team but opted to end discussions as I wanted to maintain my right to speak out about what happened to me. Far too often, people that look like me are offered severance pay in exchange for their silence allowing these problematic employers to continue inflicting damage on others while sucking the lifeblood out of them.

Since leaving that organization early this year, I have been involved in a plethora of job interview loops. I have sat in many Zoom interviews, explaining to people that did not look like me or relate to me why I am a good fit for their organizations. There have been times that I made it to the end, but another candidate was selected. In those situations, I have asked for feedback and been told repeatedly how great I was and that the only issue was location although each role I applied for was remote. Other times, I have discovered red flags about companies that have led me to drop out of the process. The thought of getting into another role where I am overworked and overlooked creates extreme anxiety in me and I am no longer sacrificing my mental health for financial gain.

Then yesterday it hit me. On a plane ride home from my grandmother-in-law’s funeral, I had the epiphany life is too short to be unhappy. I already knew that, but told myself that I had put so much into my career and could not just throw it away. It was familiar and stable but it was not my dream. I realized that although I had left one workplace, I was still constantly interviewing for roles that would put me right back into the position that I had so desperately wanted out of. I accepted that Corporate America was not set up for black women and that it would be a long time, if ever before we found ourselves on equal footing. With that, I went home and canceled all of my upcoming interviews. I immediately felt a weight lifted off my shoulders and a true sense of freedom.

The decision to walk away from something I have dedicated my whole life to was not an easy one. It takes financial preparation, a clear sense of direction and self-worth, confidence, support from family and friends, and most importantly a sense of exhaustion with the status quo. My dream about losing my teeth represented all of those things and came right after I made the life-changing decision to let something that I have worked so hard for die in order to give life to my true calling. I am not alone in this. Black women are leaving Corporate America in droves. We are tired of working twice as hard, proving ourselves repeatedly, and going unrecognized. We are exhausted with ignoring microaggressions, silencing ourselves to keep the peace, and being overlooked. We are opening our eyes to the possibility of successfully launching our own ventures when we stop asking for a seat at the table and decide to take a seat at our own.

Black women are starting businesses at breakneck speed. With organizations refusing to do something tangible about the lack of equality in the workplace, the economic landscape will change drastically over the next decade and that is not necessarily a bad thing. We will do what we do best; survive, overcome and thrive. But the absence of black women in the workplace will have a negative impact on companies for many years to come.

Life of a Writer Blog

The Problem with Being Strong, Black & Woman

October 24, 2021 NyRee Ausler

Stressed out black woman — Photo Cred: Shutterstock

For as long as I can remember, I have been groomed to be the strong black woman I was intended to be. After all, my parents had survived poverty as children in Arkansas and started a family of six kids together as teens; all while raising my mother’s six siblings. They were the epitome of strength and endurance.

I was eleven years old the first time I remember being fully aware that the expectations of me were completely different from those of my five brothers. I was in the middle with two older siblings and three younger ones. My maternal grandmother has passed away and my parents were driving two hours away for the funeral. None of us kids had ever witnessed death, so they decided to just take me since I was the one that “could handle this kind of situation.” I did.

After that day, I began to notice that I was treated as a responsible adult while my siblings were allowed to make mistakes, have failures and be irresponsible at times. I was proud, though; I relished the idea that my parents believed that I could handle anything that life threw my way because I was smart, mature and strong. I was trusted to be where I was supposed to be and do exactly what I was supposed to do. When my brothers left the house, my mom was concerned over all of the possibilities of what could happen to them. When I departed our home, everyone assumed I would make the right choices and avoid any real trouble. They were wrong.

At fifteen years old, I lived out my parent’s worst nightmare and became a teen parent. To make matters worse, due to several health issues, no one was aware that I was pregnant until I gave birth, sending my entire family into a tailspin. My baby was perfectly healthy and went home with my parents two days later, while I remained in the hospital for several weeks. Concern overcame my parents’ initial disappointment in me. They knew that black women were two to six times more likely to die from pregnancy complications than their white counterparts. Although worried, they knew I would be okay because I was “strong”. Even when everyone began to suspect I was going through postpartum depression, they told me to shake it off and keep moving. I did. I worked, finished school avoided any extracurricular activities and became a full-fledged single parent at fifteen. When I decided to press my son’s father for help, my mother told me not to beg (he had been undependable) and to buckle down and figure things out on my own. I did.

The biggest display of my ability to stay strong, even in the worst of situations came at seventeen. My brother who was just eleven months older than me was shot and killed at my high school. My entire family was devastated and fell apart. Empathetic to my parents’ loss of a child, I did what I had become know for doing best; I met with funeral directors and insurance agents and planned my closest sibling’s funeral. There was no time for me to fall apart because I had to be the person that made sure everything went as planned. That had long been accepted as my job. After my brother was laid to rest, I took a moment and allowed myself to collapse in a heap of tears and screams on our kitchen floor. Confused by my sudden display of weakness, everyone assured me that I would be okay and I pulled myself together.

Since then, my life has been a constant exhibit of strength and resilience. I have taken pride in exceeding expectations, having the answers and keeping it together any time my world came tumbling down. I have always felt a responsibility to stand up when I feel someone is being mistreated. I have been called “brave” and “courageous”. This image is something I have cultivated and taken on as my identity. It has been good to me; helping me to make it through the best and worst of times and to bounce back from rock bottom. But being a “strong black woman” has been a double-edged sword.

People calling to check on me is a rarity. Most of the calls I receive are based in a need; money, advice, resources. Everyone assumes that my life is going well and never asks me how I am doing. When I am mistreated, empathy is hard to come by. The belief that I can get past anything has created a scenario where my pain is not taken seriously or even acknowledged. I observe as the most toxic and dysfunctional people in my orbit are handled gently and given multiple chances to make mistakes without repercussions. I don’t get that luxury. I am expected to be empathetic, forgiving, loving, concerned, engaged and responsible in every aspect of life while avoiding making anyone feel uncomfortable by sharing my emotions. I am expected to be strong without being intimidating or perceived as “angry”. I am not alone in this. Black women all around me have the same experience and we are tired.

There have been multiple studies on the societal treatment of black women; disproportionate treatment by the school system (especially dark-skinned black girls), a misconception and we require less protection and nurturing and are insensitive to pain and a disregard of us when we are victimized, murdered or missing. We are sexualized and perceived as adults early on, robbing us of the innocence of childhood. Even when we ask for help our pleas fall on deaf ears. Over the past several years, hashtags like #protectblackwomen #believeblackwomen and #sayhername have cropped up to highlight the indifference to the plight of women that look like me. The added stress of the pandemic, the economy and the impact on families has created a need for black women in particular to be cognizant of our mental health, practice self-care and set healthy boundaries.

Over the past couple of years, I have often analyzed how I am treated in both professional and personal settings. I have taken note of the dismissal of my concerns and feelings. In addition, I have taken care to understand the intent behind all communications I receive. Nowadays, I express my disappointment when friends, family and coworkers only reach out to me only when it benefits them. I am cutting people that have a negative impact out of my life and setting rules of engagement with those that will remain. All of us should do these things religiously. Black women are strong, but we are also vulnerable, scared at times and most importantly, human. We don’t have to be the backbone in every situation. We, too, should be given the benefit of the doubt. We need a break.

I was recently on a flight and during the pre-takeoff instructions, the flight attendant advised that parents should put their oxygen masks on before attempting to assist their children. That has become a metaphor for my life. Without first taking care of ourselves we cannot take care of others. Because black women were forced to care for others during and after slavery, the expectation has never died and has worked to our detriment. But, gone are the days where black women place the needs of any and everybody above our own. We are putting our oxygen masks on first, then looking around and deciding who actually deserves our love, strength and protection. We embrace situations and people that make us feel loved, respected and protected and say no unapologetically to circumstances that no longer serve us.

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